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shrinkykitten

"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.

9.11.2006

Awake, damnit

I've had trouble sleeping tonight, and have been awake since 2:30. I started feeling anxious in a semi-sleep state that it was time to get up. I kept imagining my alarm was going off.

I have done a good job over these past few weeks/months keeping my emotions at bay so I could focus on work. Here I am about to disseminate my proposal; copies are sitting on my dining room table all nicely clipped together with cover letters, and addressed envelopes just waiting for me to take them to school later this morning. And now I panic.

Part of it is me worrying about all the little things I didn't do. I didn't explain my measurement full enough, did I? That one section is still too fuzzy, isn't it? For reasons I won't go into, the stakes are high. And my advisor's expectations seem to be far higher for me than for any other student - and I don't think this is a good thing. I'm terrified that in some ways, the expectations have been created to set me up to fail. And I'm scared. (what I'm trying to say here is to trust me that the stakes are high - and that it may well not be okay - and that I am not being dramatic here).

I started getting bad stomachaches on thursday - I think reality was hitting me. But I had to focus and not give in to my terror. But those stomachaches kept coming back.

I think some of this might be about 9.11. I am watching the news right now - and the 9.11 stuff makes me feel ill. I can't beleive it has been 5 years. And I think part of why I react to those damned stories of hope - especially those about 9.11 - is that I am still not beyond the events of that day (that is, my dad's death). Five years. I can't believe it has been five years.

I don't think I have dealt with it - and I really don't even know what it would mean to really deal with it - to resolve my feelings about it - and about him.



On a more superficial note, who is the pretty pretty man hosting the national news right now? He looks Indian or Arabic - he said his name super fast, so I didn't get it. I wish they would put it on the screen.

4 Comments:

At 7:43 AM, Blogger BrightStar said...

Best wishes for you with your proposal! I hope all goes well there. I wish you had a more supportive environment. :(

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger RLT said...

This sounds like such a tough day for you all the way around. I hope you get through it okay. Wishing you the very best of luck with everything all day long.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

I hate waking up because of worrying that the alarm is going off. You still have the defence to explain any little thing you might have missed. I'll be sending good thoughts your way. *hugs*

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Peri said...

I'm anxious to hear how it all goes with the proposal. I know how stressful it is to wait for the responses. At least it will be out of your hands for a few days. It sounds like a very complicated time for you and like Lucy I'm sending good shrinky vibes.

 

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