Curl up and die
That's what I want to do.
This week has sucked. I again spent today crying or trying not to. All the feelings that I had kept boxed up while I tried to get my diss stuff done have hit me full blast. Today I kept having almost flashbacks of when my mother told me my dad had died. I remembered too how hard it was to fly then. Since it was right after 9.11, there were literally no flights. It took a few days to get me on a plane, and even then we could only get me on a plane by using family contacts with the airlines. I was terrified to fly - and I think there were only two of us on the flight. Two people on a dc-10! It was insane! And the flight attendants were terrified too.
And I kept thinking too about my cousin's suicide.
I have so much to do, but I can't seem to get myself to do anything. It literally took me all day long today to read two articles. They weren't long articles - I just would have to read and re-read and re-read everything because I couldn't pay attention long enough.
Part of this is complicated by the fact that I am very poor (I've not been paid since July) and cannot afford to buy lunch or breakfast. So I buy a huge cup of coffee in the morning, and nurse it as long as I can. I then drink water for the rest of the day. This will be alleviated soon - but not eating has significantly decreased my coping abilities - and also makes it hard to focus. As does the fact that I have my period and had a horrible sinus headache today.
I'm going to see if I can sell a couple textbooks tomorrow so I can eat.
When I am this depressed - and I am pretty fricking depressed - I don't know how to interact with people. And it is complicated by this new job and not knowing people. I don't have any history with them - and they don't know me.
And I barely can take care of myself, and yet I am still making myself see clients and I still have to do TA duties. I had thought about taking this week off - but I couldn't really finagle it.
All I want to do is stay home and curl up with stinkerbelle. I just want to cry until it is all out. I want to drop out of everything and hide. I want out of my life. It sucks too much right now.
Monday night I called two shrinks. These are two people who are highly recommended, and who I first called a few months ago. But one had no openings, and the other had no low fee slots at that time. Both said I could try them again in a few months. So, I called both monday night. It's wednesday evening, and NEITHER of them has called me back. I keep checking to make sure my phone is working. I check my caller ID to make sure they didn't call and somehow their message didn't get recorded. It's just far too strange that 2 therapists would both not call me back (they kind of know each other - but ethically they ought not talk to each other about it - and they don't know that I called the other anyway). I'll try them again next week - but for now, it is making me feel lousy, hopeless, and rejected.
One good thing: my very scary supervisor I wrote about the other day kept remarking on how well written my report was. That was nice. We had a much better time together today. The other trainee (who shares this supervisor) and I think maybe that first meeting was just a hazing ritual - because truly it is like today's supervisor was a completely different person.