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shrinkykitten

"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.

9.13.2006

Curl up and die

That's what I want to do.

This week has sucked. I again spent today crying or trying not to. All the feelings that I had kept boxed up while I tried to get my diss stuff done have hit me full blast. Today I kept having almost flashbacks of when my mother told me my dad had died. I remembered too how hard it was to fly then. Since it was right after 9.11, there were literally no flights. It took a few days to get me on a plane, and even then we could only get me on a plane by using family contacts with the airlines. I was terrified to fly - and I think there were only two of us on the flight. Two people on a dc-10! It was insane! And the flight attendants were terrified too.

And I kept thinking too about my cousin's suicide.

I have so much to do, but I can't seem to get myself to do anything. It literally took me all day long today to read two articles. They weren't long articles - I just would have to read and re-read and re-read everything because I couldn't pay attention long enough.

Part of this is complicated by the fact that I am very poor (I've not been paid since July) and cannot afford to buy lunch or breakfast. So I buy a huge cup of coffee in the morning, and nurse it as long as I can. I then drink water for the rest of the day. This will be alleviated soon - but not eating has significantly decreased my coping abilities - and also makes it hard to focus. As does the fact that I have my period and had a horrible sinus headache today.

I'm going to see if I can sell a couple textbooks tomorrow so I can eat.

When I am this depressed - and I am pretty fricking depressed - I don't know how to interact with people. And it is complicated by this new job and not knowing people. I don't have any history with them - and they don't know me.

And I barely can take care of myself, and yet I am still making myself see clients and I still have to do TA duties. I had thought about taking this week off - but I couldn't really finagle it.

All I want to do is stay home and curl up with stinkerbelle. I just want to cry until it is all out. I want to drop out of everything and hide. I want out of my life. It sucks too much right now.

Monday night I called two shrinks. These are two people who are highly recommended, and who I first called a few months ago. But one had no openings, and the other had no low fee slots at that time. Both said I could try them again in a few months. So, I called both monday night. It's wednesday evening, and NEITHER of them has called me back. I keep checking to make sure my phone is working. I check my caller ID to make sure they didn't call and somehow their message didn't get recorded. It's just far too strange that 2 therapists would both not call me back (they kind of know each other - but ethically they ought not talk to each other about it - and they don't know that I called the other anyway). I'll try them again next week - but for now, it is making me feel lousy, hopeless, and rejected.

One good thing: my very scary supervisor I wrote about the other day kept remarking on how well written my report was. That was nice. We had a much better time together today. The other trainee (who shares this supervisor) and I think maybe that first meeting was just a hazing ritual - because truly it is like today's supervisor was a completely different person.

16 Comments:

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

{{{{{{{Shrinky}}}}}}} I'm so sorry.
I'm glad your supervisor is being nicer and liked your report, though.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger Twirly said...

I'm really glad your supervisor is better. I wish there is something I could do.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger ~profgrrrrl~ said...

Oh, I'm so glad the supervisor sitch has improved. Maybe she was just having a really bad day last time? Let's hope ...

Sending virtual hugs/support.

 
At 11:40 PM, Blogger betty said...

oh shrinky! i'm so sorry this week has been full of icky memories. and also - you're not eating lunch or breakfast? this is awful! i hope you get some money and whatever else you need soon. can you get some oatmeal or cream of wheat or ramen noodles - something really cheap - so you can eat one more meal during the day? we're thinking of you...

 
At 12:46 AM, Anonymous I've Been There said...

This is so sad, Shrinky, and I feel really bad about what you're putting yourself through. Is there no other profession, or career, or even just plain old job, that might appeal to you? This psych thing sure doesn't sound like it's a good fit for you, and the seemingly endless series of roadblocks and emotional assaults you're enduring would tend to confirm that it just isn't working out. You're obviously intelligent, capable, thoughtful, kind, and presumably over 21. There are so many options available to you! Why settle for an existence full of turmoil and agony, only to not even be able to afford to eat, for god's sake? This makes no sense whatsoever. Please, consider doing whatever is required in order to earn your living at a job in which you not only survive but thrive -- socially, emotionally, and financially. You're definitely worth it, and I know you can do it. But this gig just ain't where it's at, kiddo, and everything's trying to point you in the opposite direction. Listen up. Seriously.

 
At 12:46 AM, Anonymous I've Been There said...

This is so sad, Shrinky, and I feel really bad about what you're putting yourself through. Is there no other profession, or career, or even just plain old job, that might appeal to you? This psych thing sure doesn't sound like it's a good fit for you, and the seemingly endless series of roadblocks and emotional assaults you're enduring would tend to confirm that it just isn't working out. You're obviously intelligent, capable, thoughtful, kind, and presumably over 21. There are so many options available to you! Why settle for an existence full of turmoil and agony, only to not even be able to afford to eat, for god's sake? This makes no sense whatsoever. Please, consider doing whatever is required in order to earn your living at a job in which you not only survive but thrive -- socially, emotionally, and financially. You're definitely worth it, and I know you can do it. But this gig just ain't where it's at, kiddo, and everything's trying to point you in the opposite direction. Listen up. Seriously.

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger Grad007 said...

Hi Shrinky,

Is it possible to ask if you could get some of your TA money, or the earnings from your new job, a little early, just this once to tide you over?

A virtual hug from me too,

-Grad007

 
At 1:42 AM, Blogger Breena Ronan said...

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for being so honest and open. I have been having a crappy few weeks and it helps to feel that I'm not the only one struggling through grad school at times. I hope things get better for you. :)

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Arbitrista (formerly Publius) said...

I am so sorry. Being depressed and broke is a horrible place to be. Good luck. We love you!

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger luckybuzz said...

(((((shrinky))))))

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger Lina said...

Oh, Shrinky, I'm sorry you're feeling so low, hinny. xxxxxxxxx

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Kate said...

Hey there.

I just want to point out that it's pretty hard to cope with emotional issues when you can't even meet basic needs, like having food to eat.

Maybe what you're feeling isn't your fault. (And when I say maybe, I mean definitely. This is absurd that you haven't been paid since July.)

{{{{{{{{{{{Shrinky}}}}}}}}}}}}

 
At 12:04 AM, Blogger trillwing said...

Hugs to you. Here's hoping you find your way out of the darkness soon.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Katie said...

MAJOR HUGS to you! So sorry that things are bad right now. Hope it all lifts for you soon!

Take care!

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger Bella Sultane said...

(((((Shrinky)))))

Being poor *stinks,* especially when it gets to the point that you're rationing your food. Damned grad school.

Memories are rough . . . I hope that you're feeling a bit better, and if not, will feel better soon.

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger StyleyGeek said...

You poor thing. Hugs and hope that something really nice happens to you in the next day or so. Preferably lots of really nice things. You so deserve it, love.

 

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