.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

shrinkykitten

"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.

10.24.2006

Leave me alone you perv.

I have two huge deadlines looming next week (this is partly why I haven't been blogging). I have been trying my damndest to get everything done. It has been super challenging though as on top of my diss and an article I have to get done, I have over 40 papers a week to grade, discussion sections to teach (with no structure or help from the prof - so we TAs have to figure out what to do each week; one week he told us to just "explain to the students how to read an evaluate articles" - um, what? We asked for some guidance to ensure we were all doing the same thing and he said he thought we would all just know how to teach that - and sure we do, but not with less than 24 hours to prepare and coordinate!), plus my practicum, and tons of reading for the class I am taking (plus all the parts of the final paper she wants turned in in dribs and drabs - I was talking to the other students last week and none of us have any time now to put into the paper so the things we are turning in are useless to us).

So, I have been trying really hard to keep focused and work - but it has been hard. It is hard partially because I am not avoiding the news. I hate avoiding the news, but sometimes you have to otherwise you get too worried and anxious and it interferes with one's ability to get stuff done quickly. I also am now on the second volume of Riverbend's book (she's the author of the blog Baghdad Burning, which has been made into 2 books now), and I notice now that all the reports of Iraq hit me so much harder, and I am more beseiged with worries and thoughts about Iraqis. I don't think that is a bad thing at all - I think it is important for people to be aware and be concerned - but insofar as it relates to getting schoolwork done, it is not so helpful to me right now.

And in addition to all of this, I have some weird interpersonal things going on. I think normally they wouldn't bother me SO MUCH, except I am so stressed I need people to calm down (I always want to yell, "Calmate!" [there should be an accent on the e I think] like my spanish teacher used to). I get tired of having to work so hard to understand why people are behaving they way they do, and having to figure out what they are actually saying underneath their words, and what the huge inconsistencies in their behaviors mean. Like, I have one supervisor who basically just sits in supervision and stares at me, no facial gestures, no non-verbals, just staring. I don't understand it, and I resent the amount of energy I put into trying to understand it. I also resent that the supervisor can't just be normal and help me in my work with my clients.

All of this is being turned into somatic symptoms. I have been having tons of trouble sleeping, I have been having horrible stomachaches from the worry and anxiety, I am in tears at least once a day ... it's just too much.

And here's the capper.

Today I was waiting for my train and I heard a man yelling. I looked over and a guy was yelling at someone on the ground - he was yelling at the person on the ground for looking up a woman's skirt (I think the woman was oblivious). At first I was really amazed and happy the yeller had intervened. How fantastic that a man stood up for a woman being sexually violated!

But then my stomach fell, and a thought flashed through my head, "What if it is the guy who assaulted me on the train last November?" I watched and the person on the ground stood up, turned to me, and it was him.

That F%&#ing bastard. So much for the treatment the court remanded him to. It would have benefited them more to have provided me with treatment.

The perp is not supposed to be anywhere near me, so as soon as I am home I will call the DA's office to report him. I went up to the woman and asked if she would be willing to report him to the police - I gave her the perp's name. She seemed completely disinterested in doing so. I wish I'd chased after the guy who intervened instead.

I got on the train and was shaking and really upset. I kept dropping things and couldn't sit. My legs felt really weak and as though they couldn't hold me up.

Why this week? Why did I have to see him this week? I cannot handle the emotions associated with this right now.

I am at a cafe right now, trying to work on my diss, but I can't concentrate. I then tried to turn to the readings I need to do for the class I am taking. Here's the problem. This week we are studying men who are violent. I am supposed to present one of the articles ... the article I am presenting? It's all about why men sexually assault women. I can't even read it right now without feeling like I am going to vomit.

I'd better get to school.

9 Comments:

At 12:46 PM, Blogger sheepish said...

Oh, shrinky. I'm really sorry to hear about the return of pervguy. You are totally doing the right thing in dealing with him, but I guess that doesn't make the awful feelings go away. At least your deadlines have a finite time period, and then life gets a little better. Hang in there.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. Ditto what Sheepish said.

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger ~profgrrrrl~ said...

I'm so sorry ...

 
At 5:41 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

*hugs*

 
At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

(((shrinky)))

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger Peri said...

So sorry, Shrinky. It sounds awful.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger Ianqui said...

Ugh, that *sucks*. I hope that something is accomplished by contacting the DA. Clearly, they haven't yet done their job.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger BrightStar said...

oh no!!! Ack! This sort of thing / these sorts of things would have me totally freaking out. :( I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I hope things look up soon.

It's good to hear from you. I was just thinking about you yesterday morning and wondering how you were doing.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger trillwing said...

{{{shrinky}}}

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope the police nail him.

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home