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"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.


What part of "My life is falling apart" don't you understand?

it's true - it is falling apart, and it is clearly all my fault. I kind of wish I had some drug addiction so I could go into rehab, as there is no rehab program for just really sucking as a person.

I have been under so much stress, and I have not been doing well. As a result, I have not been behaving well, and I have created problems, and I am having to face the consequences of this. It's not fun, and I am worried for me. It's clear to me my part in it, and it is clear that there are parts of this that are part of a pattern of bad behaviors on my part.

And as I look across my life, I have this sense that I am far more screwed up than just about anyone else in the world.

So, I decided that since there is no rehab for being a horrible person, I needed to get into therapy, both to help me figure out how to behave better (and feel better), and also to create a buffer for me as my life falls apart.

I called a therapist I had seen for 2 months back in early 2006. I liked this person a lot, but she didn't tend to interact much - and it left me feeling really adrift. But, she has a really good reputation and is very smart and kind. So, I thought maybe I just needed to give her more of a chance (although I did see her for 2 months, and I did tell her I needed more from her - but that's another story).

I called her monday night and told her I really needed help, and that I was aware that she might be booked up, and so was aware she might not have space for me, and so wanted her thoughts on what otehr options I might have. She called back the next day and just asked me to leave times she could reach me. I called back and left times, and then didn't hear back from her. I called her yesterday and left more times, she called back and said she would call this a.m. at 9:20am, and she called me this morning. She called at 9:32 - which I knew meant she was cutting into client time (she had a client at 9:30) - and thus she wouldn't be able to talk. She said she had no room in her schedule to see me and gave me three names.

I hung up and cried.

I guess I thought if she couldn't see me, she would have just left a message to that effect rather than drawing this out over 3 days. Because in the interim, I thought there might be a chance she could see me, and that we could maybe even meet before I went out of town next week. I felt hopeful that I could tell someone about what is going on and feel like I was taking steps to make things better. This dashed my hopes.

Part of the issue too is that I cannot afford to pay full fees, and need a sliding scale - I can't use insurance (too complicated to explain), and I can't use my school's counseling center. So, I need to find a shrink who has a soft spot for shrinks-in-training. But, almost everyone with sliding scale slots has no low fee slots open, as they are very popular. I have been trying to snag the low feel slots of two therapists for a year now. I call them every few months to see if they have any openings, and they never do (and they don't seem to maintain waiting lists).

It hurts too that this person I saw for two months can't find a way to meet with me, and didn't even try to assess the urgency or anything. I know she doesn't really have any kind of responsibility to ensure I have a therapist and no responsibility to see me - but I feel so badly that I really kind of wish someone felt like they wanted to be helpful.

I called the people whose names she gave me, and left messages. And so I wait.

But here's my other worry...I need to talk about how much I have screwed up everything. I only feel like I can say that to someone with whom I have had some kind of relationship. I don't know that I can be that honest and vulnerable with someone who doesn't know me at all. So, that makes me feel doubly hopeless -- I don't open up easily at all - and I know there is no way I could say that to someone I don't know.

I feel like I am rambling and am making no sense. So, I'll end there.


At 11:54 AM, Blogger sheepish said...

Sorry things are so rough for your right now, Shrinky. Given that you're having a hard time finding a therapist, would it help at all to talk about anything here? Obviously not with the same detail, and not with a trained listener, but for lack of a better option, maybe just talking about it some might help?

At 11:59 AM, Anonymous wolfa said...

I'm sorry. That's so rough -- and it sounds so familiar.

Would it help if you thought that this therapist spent three days trying to work out a way she could see you, with no success?

I'm also wondering if blogging about it, as much as you are comfortable wtih, might help.

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Seeking Solace said...

I was going to say the same thing the Wolfa and Shepish said. Maybe getting it out to those who care might help.

Hugs to you.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Bella Sultane said...

I'm sorry things are sucking right now. I hope that you're able to find a therapist who you trust, and who is able to meet with you soon.

In the meantime, (((hugs))).

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

Oh, Shrinky, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

At 3:14 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

and I wish there were rehab for messing up my life, too.

At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There really should be rehab for messed up lives.

I'm so sorry things are this bad.

I hope you find a therapist soon, and one that you can trust.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just a few quick things:
1) You are not a horrible person. I am positive on that one.
2) You are making a lot of sense. You are describing feelings shared by most folks at one time or another.
3) *hug*

At 12:58 AM, Blogger Breena Ronan said...

Shrinkykitten, I'm 100% certain that you are not a horrible person, whatever you have done. The fact that you are so upset about it shows me that you are caring and sensitive. Your blog is really interesting and thought provoking, even when you are having a hard time. You clearly have a good heart and are trying to help others, even when you are having a hard time yourself.

Finding a therapist and building that relationship is really difficult. I struggled with anxiety and depression for years before I returned to grad school, where I had free access to on-campus therapy, even then it took me a while to trust my therapist. Then I had to transition to an off-campus provider, which was a whole new trust process. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in your situation because it seems that you can't access the campus support resources.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

If it helps, many people have been in the 'I've f-ed up my life' place, and have worked it out. I'm sure you can get there as well.

Keep trying to get a face to face therapist and know that we support you here as well.


At 5:59 PM, Blogger Lina said...

You do not suck as a person. Absolutely not. No.
Am sorry you're feeling so down, hon. xxx

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Limon de Campo said...

I second what Breena said. I know this probably won't make you feel better, but everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't mean you suck as a person. Hang in there...


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