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"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.


I forgot how depressed therapy makes me...

I met with a potential therapist yesterday. Incredibly enough, she did nothing offensive, seemed smart and kind, and I actually kind of liked her. Although I am a little worried about a couple of things. Despite my telling her that I am so depressed that I feel immobilized and feel too ashamed and bad to really do much of anything (like look for a job), she seemed to focus a little too much on my plans and on specifics - to the detriment of a focus on my emotions. But, overall her balance was fine. She was also over 10 minutes late - which made me very anxious. She and I made this appointment a few weeks ago - she was out of the office, and couldn't meet with me till yesterday. As I sat waiting for her, I was worried she had forgotten, and was panicking over how long to wait, whether or not I had her phone number and if so, how long to wait before calling her. She did apologize for being late - but I felt like she didn't realize that that could be challenging to do to a client at the first session. She also didn't make up the time during the session (this bothers me too because if you don't know if the person will make up the time or not, you don't know when the session will end and thus don't know how much time you have left - thus we ended the session right as I was talking about some more difficult things - and it was a rough time to end for me). I'm also worried she might be pregnant. From having googled her before, I know she has two kids and also that she is a runner. However, she isn't thin and kind of looked like she could possibly be in the early stages of pregnancy. This makes me panicked! I don't want to start with someone who might be leaving on maternity leave. I'll ask about that next time we meet (I mean I'll ask if she has any plans to take a sabbatical/break, etc - I won't ask if she is pregnant!).

Because she was non-offensive and because I am in some distress, I found myself telling her more than I do typically. And given that my major coping strategy of late has been avoidance of all upsetting thoughts and experiences, this really opened up the floodgates of emotions for me. Thus, this morning I was in a horrible mood (much to Stinkerbelle's chagrin). I feel really depressed and agitated. And unfortunately, she is gone next week, so we won't meet for two weeks (not that I know how I will pay for this, especially since I can't seem to rally myself to apply for jobs).

I forgot that this is how I respond to therapy - opening up to a therapist and talking about my feelings makes me feel much, much worse. That totally sucks.


At 5:19 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling worse. I really hope this person can be helpful and you feel better soon.

At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I know what you mean. When I started therapy two years ago I felt like crap because it pointed out to me a lot of negative stuff that I had been suppressing. It must be difficult when you are a therapist yourself, saying to yourself, "That's not how I would have done it." I tend to do that with teaching because I worked as a teacher before returning to grad school.

At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm also glad you found someone who might be able to help. I was terrified of therapy for that very reason - I just felt so bad after I left each session in grad school that I had to stop going.

I've found myself wondering if the fact that going to therapy now is not excruciating means that I'm not making all that much progress. But I can't cope with the emotional distress of tough therapy sessions, so I'll take what I can get.

I was so sorry to hear about your recent...what to call them? Horrific turn of events? I hope you figure out something that works for you soon.


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