.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.


Yes, in fact I do hate everything

I hung out with a friend of mine yesterday. I should have known that I wasn't really in a good place to do so, but I thought the distraction would be good. I'm really upset about not having gotten the job - it is both sadness about the loss of the opportunity because I loved the people and a lot of things about the job, as well as terror about what to do from here. It also would have helped me tremendously to have gotten a job as a shrink in terms of identity and perhaps some "moving on" and some restoration of some self-esteem. Yes, I'm glad for the teaching job - but it is just a stop gap, and not much pay at all ($1000 a month, I think), and no benefits (and I need health insurance). The only good thing really is that I was apparently the top choice for the position, and I didn't lose it because I was unqualified, screwed up the interview, or because I had bad references (apparently they were good, which is a relief). Instead I lost it because of internal politics and huge shake-ups in the organization. It is little solace, however, given that I have no other interviews coming up.

Anyway, I was in a bad place yesterday, and really should have not spent it with someone who kind of tends to hit nerves in me anyway. But, again, I thought the distraction would be good.

My friend and I headed to an art exhibit. On the way there, she asked about the job and I told her i hadn't gotten it, and she said, "At least you have the teaching job." See above for a hint as to how that placating statement likely affected me. I sad nothing. She then told me that a student from my old program "cornered" her and asked after me, saying that the other students were really upset over my having been kicked out and were worried about me. I can't tell you how fricking nice it was to hear that. My friend said that she told her that I was doing "fine" and that I had a plan and was on track. You know, nothing could be further from the truth. At all. And I felt annoyed that that was what was passed on. I noted I was surprised I ahd been asked after as no one has contacted me at all. My friend said that was because I was "diseased, contagious, bad" and that I am an outcast from the department. Perhaps that was a joke, but I wanted to end our outing right then. I couldn't believe she said that (please don't explain to me her intentions - I really don't care).

The art exhibit was good - but upsetting. It was an exhibit of anti-war art from WWI. It was powerful and upsetting, and I found myself in tears several times. My friend kept making jokes, and it annoyed me. One of the things I found most affecting was the by-line of one of the prints, it said something like, "When will our betrayed sons [meaning the soldiers] finally lose patience?"

One of the other patrons commented about people being doomed to repeat history by not learning about it. I think the issue is more that we have an unusual ability to convince ourselves that this time it is different. We're not doomed to repeat history because we are smarter, more technologically advanced, better, newer, etc.

We then watched a series of short films from the period, which I really liked. But my friend kept cracking jokes and moving around as though bored.

Afterwards, she suggested we eat. She decided on the restaurant, which bothered me. I think she chose it thinking I'd like it (because it's a vegetarian restaurant), but I've already been there a few times, plus am having huge stomach issues and this is a place that likes to use a lot of spices. All I wanted was some bread or something. My friend said we should go there so I could get soy milk. As it turns out, I got the blandest thing I could think of, but it was spiced and I couldn't eat it. I asked if we could go to starbucks afterwards and get some steamed soymilk and she said, "See, I knew you needed soymilk. I was right." Shut up! Yes, I love my soymilk, but I was actually really hoping to get something to eat that I could actually eat.

She wanted to see a movie, so we went to see The Namesake. I've not read the book, but wanted to see it. She really really liked it and was crying during it. I was bored out of my skull. However, it was gorgeous and the acting was superb, but the story was annoying to me.

I made the mistake afterwards of saying I didn't like it, and noted it was because I don't like "sweeping epics." I like my movies to be little and character driven - not plot and moral driven. I also felt manipulated by some of the themes of it, and felt resentful for it. I did not tell her this though - and just blamed it on my dislike of epics. She then got really annoyed at me and said, "Do you even like movies?" Yes, yes I do. "Which? Name a movie you like." I said, no, let's not do this. She said "Yes, tell me a movie you like." I just went silent. I was not enjoying this at all, and it was clear she wasn't either.

Later she said, "I'll call you this week." I wanted to say, "Don't bother." I think if we are going to be friends, she has to be a "really good mood" friend - as in, I can only hang out with her when I'm in a really good mood.


At 5:32 PM, Blogger BrightStar said...

It's really difficult to know sometimes whether it's helpful to push yourself to do something (like hang out with a friend) in hopes that it will help or just not push yourself. I'm sorry it didn't work out well last night.

And what in the heck! I cannot believe what she said to you -- contagious? diseased? What in the heck! Grrr... I would have wanted to end the evening, too. That was really mean and totally wrong and inappropriate of her.

At 5:33 PM, Blogger BrightStar said...

(I meant difficult for me to know... my first section of my comment sounds weird when I read it back to myself... but I was trying to say that I know how that feels...)

At 2:36 AM, Blogger Breena Ronan said...

She doesn't seem like a great friend actually, not very considerate or intuitive. Or maybe you really weren't making your needs known. Either way it doesn't seem like she's the right person to be hanging out with. I'm in favor of being picky about who you hang out with, maybe at another time things will jell better between the two of you.

At 3:37 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

I'm sorry this friend was so antagonistic, especially when you needed a positive distraction.
I'm really sorry about the job, too.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home