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shrinkykitten

"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.

4.24.2007

I am shrink-less

I'm not sure how I feel about it. No, I know I feel really sad - but I can't keep wasting money (or owing money) for a therapy that was going nowhere. I realized this last week, but wanted to give it one more try. Last week I just felt so overwhelmed by her continuing refusals of responsibility for therapy not really working. She's very nice about it, but she kept saying that she wasn't doing anything wrong. And that may be true - it may well all be me, but I don't know how helpful it is to completely put it on me -- if for no other reason than that it made me feel completely hopeless about my ability to open up to her, to talk to her, and to make use of therapy. For the past few weeks, I have felt like if she isn't really making it hard for me to trust and talk by her approach, then the problem is me. And I know that I am not able to change right now - I can't just all of a sudden trust her or open up to her.

And this morning (don't get worried when you read this, I'm fine) I woke up feeling extremely suicidal - and all day, I was on the verge of tears. When I arrived at my shrink's office, I found myself unable to talk about this with her, and not really wanting to talk at all. I just felt hopeless about being able to talk, and wasn't sure I really wanted to anymore.

I told her all of this, and told her I was thinking that it might be time to end. I kind of hoped she'd rally herself and talk me out of it - show some concern or caring. Because a big part of my lack of hope in the relationship is that I feel nothing coming from her. Even if her style never changed, if I felt at all like she cared and was interested, that would keep me coming and would make me want to let her in. But I never ever felt that. She said this session that she was concerned about me and concerned about me not being in therapy - but there was no concern in her voice - and when I looked at her, she was looking out the window. Maybe that's how she thinks - but it looked to me like a complete lack of interest. She must not have been too concerned, she didn't even give me any referrals.

When I left I thought how ironic it is that even one week post V Tech, one can still walk into a shrink's office, talk about extreme suicidal ideation, and still walk out without that even being addressed - and one can even terminate therapy under such conditions. I didn't tell her about the thoughts to get a reaction from her - I was trying to be honest about my conflicts (terminating therapy when I feel this badly). I think though it validates my feeling like it wasn't working.

I feel sad because I liked her (plus it helped that she was so willing to work with my financial issues) - but I couldn't handle the judgments, all the questions (all she did was ask questions - she never said anything nice or helpful, never even paraphrased or expressed empathy), and the complete lack of help.

9 Comments:

At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been reading this saga with your shrink for a while, and I must say: that woman is f'ing useless as a therapist.

She didn't give you any referrals?? You're right, she clearly doesn't care about you, or your progress, at all.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out because I know you had an impossible time finding one you could afford and was available, but I think this one may have not just been ineffective, but actually more damaging to your mental health.

The first meeting I ever had with my current shrink (who is amazing) I told her that I'd been feeling suicidal and I saw her eyes tear up. First meeting. And I've made a ton of progress since then.

I really hope you can find someone helpful for you, but I think you did the right thing to kick this one to the curb.

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger post-doc said...

Hell, Shrinky, I'm so sorry for my last comment then. I feel like I said the wrong thing - I really am sorry.

I can't help but worry though. I really want there to be someone you can trust and talk to since life is really hard right now. I wish I knew what to say - I'll be thinking about you.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger Clio Bluestocking said...

This was a good move. You feel so down on yourself. You are dealing with a load of shit. The therapist is supposed to help you through that, not make it worse! Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most intimate that you can have, so you have to get with one who works for you. There are better ones out there. I so hope you can find one. I'd share mine with you if I could!

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger BrightStar said...

oh, Shrinky... please know that you do deserve much better than that therapist. It makes sense that you had to let her go, but it angers me that she didn't do more to support you at any stage.

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger StyleyGeek said...

I really hope you can find another shrink who is more helpful than this one was.

I'm so sorry it's all so hard for you right now. Don't give up on yourself.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Ianqui said...

That woman sounds like a complete disaster. Clearly she wasn't at all compatible with you and your needs. I hope you can find someone else who's more responsive to you.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger shrinkykitten said...

post-doc - yours, and everyone else's, comments have been really helpful. I fired her before I read your other comment, and it validated my decision. It helps to hear that she was ineffectual (at least in the way I was portraying her), because I was doubting myself so much.

Thank you everyone.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger Claire said...

Shrinky,
Sounds like you made the right decision. She sounds completely out of touch with you and perhaps herself. I already said this, but I know of several good places that are sliding scale and will work with low-income people.

 
At 7:50 PM, Anonymous K. L. Smith said...

seriously, this chick was clearly just phoning it in. I hope you can find someone who will work with you financially AND therapeutically.

 

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