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"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.


They are dropping like flies, plus thrift store scores.

I was realizing the other day that my family members are dropping like flies. Were I an undergrad, I'd be the one you wouldn't believe because every year at least several family members die.

In my dad's family, all but two of his siblings (out of 6) have died. And, with the exception of my mother, every single one of their spouses has died as well. My mother is the only spouse of a dead family member who is still alive! Apparently marrying into my dad's family can kill you.

One of my uncles is still alive. He's creepy. I don't know if I blogged this or not, but I saw him a couple of years ago for the first time since I was in high school. He knew exactly where I lived, where I went to school, exactly where each of those were in the city (despite never having been here - he google mapped it all) and knew what train I took, etc. I felt very very creeped out because I do not know this guy at all (having been raised in the west coast while my parents' families lived on the east coast or in the south, I could say that about most of my family members). He's not the healthiest, but he's still alive. He has a few ex-spouses who seem to have evaded the death curse of marrying into the family by having divorced him.

And one aunt is still alive. She's in good health, actually - but her husband is a walking mess. One year after open heart surgery (the dude looks like a Lurch sized Uncle Fester) he decided to go out back and weed whack their back hill. He was too ill to do so, lost his balance and fell down the hill while still holding onto the weed whacker. He is quite lucky to be alive after that (plus all the heart attacks he's had). And lucky for us too as he has decided to write a book on ending racism or white supremacy - or something like that. This despite the fact that some of us are convinced he beats my aunt. When he first decided to write the book, he bought a computer and would type drafts into it, print them out, and then type the final drafts of each section on a typewriter. Yeah, that makes sense.

My dad and all of his other siblings died since I moved here to go to grad school (am I the curse?) except for one sibling who died before I was born. And one cousin killed herself.

So, soon, at the rate they are going, no one from my dad's generation may be left.

But to some extent that made sense - my dad was by far the youngest, so his siblings were all pretty old. But, my mom was by far the oldest, so her siblings all seemed really quite young. But now they are all dropping.

One uncle has had severe depression and his daughter has run away and tried to kill herself - and the mom has gambled away all their money.

Another aunt apparently is terrified she is getting early alzheimers, and just had some brain scans to see if they could find lesions or tumors or anything. Her husband has just survived prostate cancer. Her kids seem okay - although they are both (male and female, one is in college one is about to graduate from high school) obsessed with the military - which is very odd to me since my aunt and uncle were in the peace corps and were in papua new guinea for a while trying to do health stuff there. My aunt blames in on the fact that my uncle is australian - something to do with how violent aussies are? And rugby? And military training there? I dunno.

Another aunt is just crazy, and I'm pretty sure she's anorexic. She's at the very least tanorexic.

Another uncle now has prostate cancer, and his son has been diagnosed with every single possible psych disorder possible. I'm not kidding. The kid's like 10 or something too. I've never actually met him.

And the final uncle ... well, I'm sure I've blogged about him. He's the one who was having an "affair" with his high school gym teacher (while he was in high school, and she was in her 40s or something), then they got married, but he was having an affair with her cousin (even before the wedding) who was like 12 or 13 at the time. He then divorced the gym teacher, and is now married to the cousin. Creepy. She also gave up an awesome job (rescuing animals) to be his secretarty. And one of his sons is going back to Iraq as we speak. And the kid is damned excited cuz he loves war and killing people.

All but one (ish) of my 6 grandparents have died. One may be still alive, but no one is in contact with him.

And apparently in today's paper, if you have a mental illness (incl depression) you are likely to die on average 25 years earlier than people with no mental illnesses. So, I figure I'm not long on this earth.

So, the question then becomes, who wants my clothes? I was cleaning my closet recently and was thinking, "When I die, my wardrobe is going to make some little (chubby) fashionista very very happy" (as long as she likes vintage and handmade stuff, that is). Here is what I got this week:

1. A hot pink with white polka dots and white piping and white embroidery house dress. Now, I know what you are thinking - house dresses are tacky, and indeed they are - but this one is awesome. I want to fix it so it has a better shape, shorten it a bit (a little above the knees), and then wear it over a tank with jeans and maybe my orange converse or my black ballet flats.

2. An incredible 1970s chiffon disco dress. It is navy with an empire waist and it has purple/lavender flowers across the shoulders and diagonally across one side of the skirt. It's spectacular. I wore it to borders, and my favorite salesclerk said, "Looking cutely dressed as always!"

3. This last one I had no idea was as much of a find as it is. It is a long rectangular scarf that I bought because it had fruits on it. I like fabric with fruits! At one end, there is the silhouette of a woman's head, and the fruits are coming out of it. It is slightly 60s acid flashback, but in 80s jewel tones. Turns out it is a Peter Max scarf from 1989 when he had a line of clothes called "Neomax." I read that one of his scarves sold for $200 on antiques road show. I bought it for 99 cents.

I saw, but did not purchase, a jessica mcclintock soft white brocade wedding dress that was really quite stunning for $13.00. I was tempted to get it and sell it on ebay.

No pictures, sadly, because not only is my camera broken, but my cell phone (which has a camera) is missing (I tried calling it and it went right to voicemail!).

question for the ages: why does the spell check for blogger - which is owned by google - not recognize the word "google"?


At 10:10 PM, Blogger StyleyGeek said...

Oh, I have so many comments for this post!

(1) Your family could compete with mine for title of "most messed up" :)

(2) You aren't going to die (ever), so no one else needs to inherit your clothes (even though they sound really cute and I covet them). Because of statistical averages, you will live a long, long time to make up for everyone else in your family. You have to outlive me, anyway, because I would miss your blog too much.

(3) Being an Australian probably does explain your uncle. They are all about wrestling crocodiles and punching sharks in the nose, and rugby and stuff. And, you know, invading Iraq and Afghanistan.

(4) I really really hope you find your cellphone, because I would love to see pictures of those clothes.

(5) The answer to your question is, because Google has gone to the dark side.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger shrinkykitten said...

(1) let's start a competition - or at least a club. :)

(2) we'll start a crazly bird/cat lady blogger retirement home.

(3) the weird thing though is that he is the most calm, mellow guy ever who completely dotes on my aunt and is kind and helpful. He is so unhypermasculine, it is hard to even imagine him having a time when he did that kind of stuff.

(4) me too!

(5) it has indeed, it has indeed.

At 11:53 PM, Blogger StyleyGeek said...

I love idea number 2!


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