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shrinkykitten

"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.

4.08.2008

It's likely not a positive sign when you are envious of a serial killer

So often when I read research on humans with which I identify, I always fit the minority group - the characteristic that only applies to less than 1% of the population is always the characteristic that fits me best. If you cross all those less than 1%s, that makes me like only approximately .000000000000001% of the population. That kind of sucks.

And not only do I feel like there are only a handful of people out in the entire world who might understand or appreciate me, I am also often convinced I am the absolutely worst person in the whole world. And I'm not being hyperbolic in that statement, I really do often believe that (as do less than 1% of you out there too, I'm guessing).

I'm particularly convinced of that lately. Stuff at work tends to get stuck in my head (see last post) and i take the strength of people's reactions to me as being equivalent to my level of horribleness. The last angry outburst at work may have been over something pretty minor, but it was a big blow up. This then indicates to me that I must be really hugely horrible.

Last week, I had a mini breakdown at work. I just started crying and couldn't stop - my boss was trying hard to console me, but I was pretty unconsolable. I just can't understand why I: a) suck as much as I do; and b) evoke such strong and negative reactions in other people.

She told me I really have to just accept myself and just be myself rather than trying so hard to adjust in reaction to others' negative reactions. Easier said than done when you get as much negative feedback as I do. One of my co-workers apparently said that I was "weird" and that she'd never worked with anyone like me. I don't even know what to do with that.

And this is where the title of this post will make sense (if anything here makes sense, that is).

I've been bingewatching Dexter lately. I started watching it on network tv, really liked it, and got the dvds from netflix (and then found a creative means for getting season 2). As terrifying as it is, I found myself really identifying with him - the sense of isolation, the fear of getting close, avoiding people, fearing being honest and real, feeling like a monster or leper, feeling different and like no one could really understand or like you if they really knew.

I envy him though. He had a dad who really saw him and didn't reject him (at least not when Dexter was young). He saw that Dexter had something inside him that made him kill, he accepted that in his son and worked with his son to live with it and channel it into something not good, but at least better. He worked with Dexter to help Dexter fit in, feel okay, be okay, survive, and to live a normal life.

I'm envious of that for sure. I think life would be easier if my parents had seen me and accepted me as is - and had helped me to adapt to life, rather than believing I was someone else, or should be someone else .... and making me feel like a misfit (and a mis fit).

I have more to say that I think would kind of bring this together, but I'm sick of my internal monologue right now, so I bid adieu.

And I kept meaning to answer to a comment to my last post - I don't have aspergers, but that doesn't stop me from often wondering if I do.

3 Comments:

At 8:08 PM, Blogger Geeka said...

I feel like this a lot of the time as well.

Figure it this way: we are all individuals. None of us really share all of our characteristics. So by those rights, all of us should be like 1/(6 billion) (whatever that works out to be).

And for what it's worth, I have had a full blown panic attack in front of my boss. He has come to telling me to have a seat and breath.

 
At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Miss J said...

You're not right. Thank goodness it's not just me.

 
At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Miss J said...

You're not right. Thank goodness it's not just me.

 

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