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"...another reason I'm intrigued with the hanged of Salem, especially the women, is that a number of them aroused suspicion in the first place because they were financially independent, or sharp-tongued, or kept to themselves. In other words, they were killed off for the same sort of life I live right now but with longer skirts and fewer cable channels." Sarah Vowell, The partly cloudy patriot.


Lost my momentum

Yesterday I was all set to go to the free day at the museum and was going to drop my laptop off to get the keyboard cleaned at the apple store. Turns out I made the appt for wednesday, not tuesday, and that set me off-kilter and I didn't go to the museum either.

My new job starts friday, but the physician I will be working most closely with/for can't meet with me that day. So, the HR person asked if I could talk to him on the phone today instead (actually, first she asked me to come in).

I feel resentful about this because I'm on vacation - so I'd prefer to not have to plan around them. And that's exactly what I'm doing - she said she'd cotnact me in the a.m. to confirm - which she didn't. When I contacted her, she said she paged the doctor and hopes he will call me this afternoon at the time we planned. Hopes? I canceled my plans for this.

I do want to hit the ground running - I'm not looking forward to the adjustment period of learning a new job and not having stuff to do because I don't know anything ... but I also am not happy that this couldn't happen on my first day.

There are undercurrents to the resentment too:
1. Given that I have the possibility for a better and better paying job, I feel guilty about this job and potentially quitting it soon after being hired. This has, for some reason, turned into resentment at them for hiring me (partly because it is just not a step up in terms of salary, duties, position, or anything). This is ridiculous given that I will be SO HAPPY to have the job if the other one doesn't pan out. But, feelings are not always rational.

2. I'm resentful because I'm taking a vacation I didn't want in the first place. My new job is making me use up my vacation time before I start there. Given the choice, I would have stayed at my job till my last day - there was still work to do, and I don't do well with this much free time - esp. not when I'm this poor.

3. Today my momentum got lost and I spent much of the day crying, missing my job, and missing my boss and co-workers. I feel really depressed and hopeless. It would have been far better for me to have left the house and kept busy as I'd planned, and I resent that I couldn't because I've plunged into this bad place. I'm in bed, watching Carnivale (which is really interesting, but still), and crying and feeling lonely and worthless.

None of this is the new job's fault - and I'm hoping to get it together by my first day so I don't act poorly.

The hr person told me my office mate's name is britney. And I'm supposed to have lunch with "the girls" on friday. These things are annoying me too.

Part of what has me depressed is that I really miss my boss. For those who have followed this blog during my time there, I imagine that seems a little crazy. But I do. And she wants to keep in contact, but I know if I don't do the work, it won't happen. She's not gonna initiate things or email me on her own. I don't think that is related to my importance to her - it's more about how she copes. She would rather just shut down on someone than feel things. But, I can't help but turn it into me feeling like she is so much more important to me than I am to her.

I need to get out of the house tomorrow, but I think it's supposed to be like -15 degrees or something insane like that.


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