shrinkykitten

In case you're interested

2009-05-21T23:19:00.002-04:00

I'm clearly not posting here. Not on facebook either, but maybe more likely there for a bit. If you'd like to be facebook buds, email me at shrinkykitten@gmail.com and I'll add you.

Work habits/work ethics

2009-02-21T09:54:00.003-05:00

I accept that I am totally into my work - I work hard, I work long hours, I try to do as much as I can, and take on more than I should. I invest myself completely and work becomes way too important.

But I'm in a bimodal workplace when it comes to work habits/work ethics. Our physicians are the hardest working doctors I've ever seen. It inspires me to work as hard as I can to help and support them, and because of that, I've made peace with some of the more secretarial parts of the job. If it helps my group of physicians, I will do it. I also have, in just the month I've worked there, really come to love the department and what we do. Our physicians do amazing work, and are great, funny, fun, sweet people. In many ways it is the perfect place for because the mission of the department fits so well with my own passions, and the physicians/faculty match well my quirkiness.

But, the admin staff is a whole 'nuther story. They have very low investment, many of them are super young (first job out of college; one year out of college), and it creates a high school like environment that I can barely tolerate.

There is so much unprofessionalism among them, it's not even funny. I had a meeting recently with one of them and with my boss. We are working on a big project together. During the meeting, the other admin person kept putting down my ideas or making jokes at my expense. She has worked here for like a year or so, so she knows my boss better than I do, so maybe she a higher comfort level and level of casualness than I do, but I think it was still unprofessional and inappropriate. I'm afraid to say something because she works directly for the department head, and I don't want anything I say to get misconstrued and passed on.

The other admin staff spend their days hanging out in my office with my office mate, or reading facebook, or looking at the latest news and gossip about celebrities. When they have to work, they complain about it. It's driving me crazy.

On top of that, they only have to work 7.5 hour days (technically so do I, but I work way more than that). Yet, some of them rarely even put in that. They also take 1.5 hour lunches (lunch is supposed to be 1 hour). Now this wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't directly affect me. Honestly, having them all gone for 1.5 hours a day is good because it gives me some quiet time to focus. But, starting next week, I have to start doing lunch phone coverage (2 of the admin people's phones need to be covered at lunch). So, I have to cover an extra long lunch for people who are, in effect, working 7 hour days when I am working 9-10 hours a day with no lunch and am drowning in work?

The idea is supposed to be equity - we all take turns covering things. But when I have the largest group of doctors to look after (I have like 15 whereas the others have between 1-5), then that's not fair. Mostly though it is the 1.5 hour lunch that upsets me.

I'm not going to say anything. I've only been here a month, and I think I can't start pointing out inequities until I have established myself better as a good worker and a team player. We are losing some staff though, so I may ask if there might be a chance of getting my own office. I just have to figure out how to frame it.

I'm afraid to say anything directly to my office mate about office noise - my predecessor just silently seethed about it, so if I say something, it could become huge and turn the whole group of them against me.

Adorable faux commercial for trader joe's

2009-02-11T20:34:00.001-05:00

If you love trader joe's, you will love this.

hmm...

2009-02-07T20:48:00.002-05:00

Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test...

Outcast Genius

78 % Nerd, 61% Geek, 74% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.

Congratulations!

Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

America/Politics

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

Take The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test at HelloQuizzy

Did you know...

2009-02-06T13:55:00.001-05:00

that the vagina has an ecosystem? I want to take all the critters from my vaginal ecosystem and put it in this and wear it around my neck.

Reining in enthusiasm

2009-02-05T22:03:00.002-05:00

I have an issue with reining in my intellectual enthusiasm. This was an issue for me in grad school, and is likely part of why my dissertation proposal was rejected. I get too excited and interested in things and make my projects too huge - too unfocused, and it confuses people (and I get annoyed when people express confusion, because to me it all makes sense).

And I'm running into this again in my new job, and it kind of makes me want to give up because I don't want to have to hear the critical feedback about it.

I'm creating a grant proposal for a program we want to get started. There is the main piece and then a teeny tiny little adjunct piece. That latter really excites me so I put a lot of attention on it in the draft of the proposal letter. But it diffuses things, and it confused the grants people I met with (to get their help in finding grants - gotta say, so far I'm disappointed in their level of help).

When they said that, I got overwhelmed with a sense of incompetence and all those feelings from grad school .... not being focused, questioning my ability, my intelligence, etc.

Do any of you struggle with this? I need to delete a full page from my letter. Maybe I should adopt an adage like choosing accessories - look in the mirror and remove one. Maybe I should remove one idea from the proposal.

Pet peeve

2009-02-03T11:35:00.001-05:00

It's really annoying when you start a new job and you ask a question like, "Where can I find more information on the departmental calendar?" and someone emails you back saying, "Do you mean the executive datebook of the university department Y3 annual?"

If I meant that, or knew what the f*&$ that meant, I'd ask it.

Give the new kid a chance

2009-02-01T11:18:00.002-05:00

Maybe I'm overempathizing because President Obama and I started work at about the same time (I started one day before him), but it chaps my hide when I hear the pundits asking "Why isn't X happening NOW?" The guy's been on the job for less than 2 weeks, give him a chance!

My job is far less intensive than his, and I didn't have the associated relocation and complete lifestyle overhaul that he has, but I do miss my old work friends and my office, so I have some sense of loss that maybe corresponds with his. And there are things I don't know about my job and things I can't quite wrap my head around. There are tasks I still haven't completely taken over from my predecessor because I don't completely know all the ins and outs of them.

And I think I likely have a version of the emotional reactions he is having that complicate things - the "Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into." But mine is coupled with all the emotional reactions of having lost a job I loved and feeling like a failure because of it.

My new boss keeps saying, "Oh hey, Shrinky, did you do x yet?" and then I work hard to get x done and he comes back and says, "Oh, hey, did you do y yet?" and then I frantically do y. It's not the same as, "Oh, hey, did you withdraw our troops from Iraq yet? or "Oh hey, did you solve the economy yet?" but it can at times feel that high stakes (esp. in medicine - where everything is life and death - even administrative work - there's an error in the lit review for the education grant - PATIENTS ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF IT!!!).

On another note - my new department chair is a woman. She is also a physician, researcher AND a Dean. I asked one of my co-workers how she managed that because my old department chair (male) was a chair, researcher, and physician and he barely got things done. My co-worker said, "She has no life." Well, I think that is a given (and am suprised, actually, how many of our physicians do actually have lives), but I was a little surprised to hear this leveled against her, almost like an accusation. Does anyone say this about males? I feel like among males, it's not even worth noting for those in positions of power - of course they work 24-7. It's a given, and not seen as any kind of failing or sacrifice.

Shoe dilemma

2009-01-22T19:57:00.002-05:00

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon. It's seriously difficult to dress for an interview when there is snow/ice on the ground and you don't drive (and too far away to be able to take a taxi).

I have been trying to think of a good shoe solution. I typically wear snow boots to work and then change into my big girl shoes at work. Technically, I could bring another pair of shoes - but I'd have no place to store my snow boots (and I don't want to carry them in a bag to the interview - too bulky).

I think my only option is to just make do with my big girl shoes as best I can and hope I don't slip.

Feel my pain

2009-01-19T22:39:00.002-05:00

This is the worst period I've had in a long long time. Heavier and way way more painful.

During my brief week of unemployment, I watched the 2 seasons of Carnivale. Has anyone seen it? It inspired me (unfortunately) to chop my hair off (myself, grrrr....) into a chin length bob. But it also affected me more than that.

It is a pretty complicated program - much of the religion stuff went over my head as I just don't get all the references and mythologies of judeo-christianity (well, okay - of any religion, really). But it was still pretty fascinating.

The gist is that it is set during the great depression - 1930s, mostly in the midwest, south, and the west. From that perspective, it was really pretty interesting as a corollary to our current financial struggles.

It was also mostly set in a carnival.

The sets, set decorations, and costumes were fantastic - I'd love to decorate my house like several of the trailers of the women characters, and their wardrobes were enviable (the dresses! the low heeled oxfords)! As were the haircuts, obv.

I liked too that they chose to cast a lot of unknowns - people not conventionally thought of as attractive. It was really good for me to see not-skinny women portrayed as very sexy (and even as strippers). Ironically, these were women who inhabited their bodies and their sexuality, and their size. They were beautiful, sexy, and strong. The nudity in the show was interesting in terms of my own social comparisons. I look a lot like one of the strippers (maybe a bit thinner - hard to know), and I thought that was really good for me to see her really inhabit her sexuality. I'm not explaining it well.

Another interesting thing about the program was the high amount of violence against the women. I think it may be one of few (any?) shows to really portray violence against women realistically, as being a part of the culture, in many different forms (sexual, harassment, physical, emotional, etc.) and showed the women's reactions to it. I think normally we don't see the effects of the violence on women - the fear, the anger, the shaping of behaviors and relationships. I think typically it is either minimized or we take the male gaze/perspective (or it becomes sexualized like on Law and Order).

For example, one of the rousties (roustabouts - the hired hands) was trying to get a carny to let him have sex with the carny's wife (who is a stripper). When that failed, he tried to coerce, bully, threaten the woman into having sex with him, and basically threatened to rape her. We got to see her react to him, but also the fear she had later of him coming after her. We got to imagine what it would be like for her having to live side by side with this fuckwad, knowing she must be terrified.

There was a lot of violence - sometimes it felt like an extremely extended version of the "Home" episode of the X-Files (anyone know what I'm referring to?). But, it felt realistic and like it was necessary to depict accurately the time. And all of these types of violence continue today, so I guess I can't just locate them in that time.

I recommend it - it's intense and complicated, but it is engrossing and takes you into a particular time and culture that is really interesting.

Thank goodness for Jon Stewart

2009-01-14T20:13:00.001-05:00

I thought I was the only one who found Bush's press conference to be insane!

Lost my momentum

2009-01-14T12:55:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was all set to go to the free day at the museum and was going to drop my laptop off to get the keyboard cleaned at the apple store. Turns out I made the appt for wednesday, not tuesday, and that set me off-kilter and I didn't go to the museum either.

My new job starts friday, but the physician I will be working most closely with/for can't meet with me that day. So, the HR person asked if I could talk to him on the phone today instead (actually, first she asked me to come in).

I feel resentful about this because I'm on vacation - so I'd prefer to not have to plan around them. And that's exactly what I'm doing - she said she'd cotnact me in the a.m. to confirm - which she didn't. When I contacted her, she said she paged the doctor and hopes he will call me this afternoon at the time we planned. Hopes? I canceled my plans for this.

I do want to hit the ground running - I'm not looking forward to the adjustment period of learning a new job and not having stuff to do because I don't know anything ... but I also am not happy that this couldn't happen on my first day.

There are undercurrents to the resentment too:
1. Given that I have the possibility for a better and better paying job, I feel guilty about this job and potentially quitting it soon after being hired. This has, for some reason, turned into resentment at them for hiring me (partly because it is just not a step up in terms of salary, duties, position, or anything). This is ridiculous given that I will be SO HAPPY to have the job if the other one doesn't pan out. But, feelings are not always rational.

2. I'm resentful because I'm taking a vacation I didn't want in the first place. My new job is making me use up my vacation time before I start there. Given the choice, I would have stayed at my job till my last day - there was still work to do, and I don't do well with this much free time - esp. not when I'm this poor.

3. Today my momentum got lost and I spent much of the day crying, missing my job, and missing my boss and co-workers. I feel really depressed and hopeless. It would have been far better for me to have left the house and kept busy as I'd planned, and I resent that I couldn't because I've plunged into this bad place. I'm in bed, watching Carnivale (which is really interesting, but still), and crying and feeling lonely and worthless.

None of this is the new job's fault - and I'm hoping to get it together by my first day so I don't act poorly.

The hr person told me my office mate's name is britney. And I'm supposed to have lunch with "the girls" on friday. These things are annoying me too.

Part of what has me depressed is that I really miss my boss. For those who have followed this blog during my time there, I imagine that seems a little crazy. But I do. And she wants to keep in contact, but I know if I don't do the work, it won't happen. She's not gonna initiate things or email me on her own. I don't think that is related to my importance to her - it's more about how she copes. She would rather just shut down on someone than feel things. But, I can't help but turn it into me feeling like she is so much more important to me than I am to her.

I need to get out of the house tomorrow, but I think it's supposed to be like -15 degrees or something insane like that.

The countdown

2009-01-14T00:50:00.002-05:00

Get this widget!

A heartbreaking article

2009-01-13T18:45:00.001-05:00

on the crisis in the gaza strip.

But hey, lucky for us, Joe the Plumber is there

to report

on what is *really* happening.

My little village

2009-01-13T12:03:00.003-05:00

Styleygeek asked me to post a pic of my little village. It's hard to see because of the morning sunlight coming through - but you get the idea. The houses are in shades of blues, turquoises, and a silver, pale pink, and a pale yellow.

The curtains are vintage saris and the ball is a mini disco ball.

Here are more pics

I hate this email on so many levels

2009-01-13T11:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Shrinky,
given your answer I will consider you as a candidate interested in this position together with other qualified applicants. However, I would like to honor your time as much as my time so one important question we would like to ask first to screen if there is an initial match is about salary expectations. Could you please let me know what are your expectations in terms of salary?

thank you

reaction: I hate the lack of capitalization, I hate being required to name a figure before even interviewing, I hate her talking about needing to honor *her* time, I hate that she talks about "other qualified candidates."

I wrote back and said I'd hate to give a figure because my interest in the job superceded any salary concerns. I wish they'd just list a range in the ad rather than cutting people out like this. Allow people to self-determine if the range fits their needs BEFORE they waste the time applying. I put in a lot of time crafting the letter for this position because the job description was 3 pages long, so I crafted a letter that responded to each of the themes in the description. I'm very interested in the position - and the time I put into the letter reflected this.

within minutes

2009-01-12T23:30:00.002-05:00

I learned that the job is on - I start friday.

I got an invite for a second interview.

I got an request for a first interview.

My ex-boss tells me this is exactly the kind of problem I *want* to have. But I still feel such guilt. I have to take a day off next week for the second interview, which is a little awkward. But again it's a great position at a great school making tons more money and it's in my field. The other position is in my field too - but would mean leaving academia - which would be a little sad.

On another note - to the museum I visited to - here's a little word to the wise - if you are gonna be all defensive 'n' shit about people's perceptions of the aztecs as being pretty significantly focused on human sacrifice - maybe don't spent 3/4 of your exhibit talking about their practices of human sacrifice.

I have to keep active

2009-01-11T18:31:00.003-05:00

This is the only way I can keep from just staying in bed all day watching tv (The tudors, Carnivale, etc).

What I know about myself is that I cannot wait for motivation to strike me - I have to get to work and motivation will come along the way as I feel better for accomplishing things and as I find "flow."

For me, motivation is a by-product of work - not an initial step to work.

It's hard though - I expended an awful lot of energy (emotional and psychological) trying to end my job with integrity. I made a commitment to myself that I wanted to behave in a way that would not cause me regrets or guilt. I believe I did that by staying positive, focusing on doing good work, continuing to foster my relationships, and behaving in a prosocial way.

In the end, I got a lot of praise for handling things well, and I felt good about that.

But, just because you behave a certain way, doesn't mean you feel that. I felt hopeless, depressed, worthless, etc. And all of those pushed back feelings hit me at night, on the weekends, and on my first days of unemployment.

Even if the new job works out (still don't know! First day is supposed to be the 16th if so), being let go is hard.

So, I have to keep active. Here's what I have planned this week.

1. Go to museum free days. I'm absolutely broke, so free days are a must. Luckily I have some starbucks gift cards so I can also have tea while I'm out. I don't mind being out in the world doing things when I'm broke - UNLESS I can't afford to get tea (or a drink of some kind) and the NYT. So that will make it better. I also have a 30-day public transit pass, so I can go anywhere and everywhere for "free."

2. Make a little village for my window like this one:

I'm doing this right now.

3. Make frames from felt and pom-poms like these:

and fill them with weird images from Morbid Anatomy

It's a start.

Please tell me you'd be hurt too...

2009-01-10T16:11:00.002-05:00

At my going away party the other night, my boss came late from the faculty meeting. She said that the dept chair announced at it that I had been let go (most faculty thought I was leaving of my own accord - a perception likely reinforced by the fact that I sent a long thank you email to the department in which I thanked a lot of people individually - incl. the dept chair and my boss - for everything they had done for me). He also announced that two other staff were being let go.

One of those people was at my party. Luckily she had been given something of a heads up by my boss the day before - but it was at that time still iffy. It was no longer iffy.

So her boss and my boss spent much of my party talking about how horrible it would be if that person was let go and strategizing how to get some of the more influential faculty to fight for her.

This happened in front of me.

At my going away party.

I had been let go.

No one fought for me.

That I know of at least.

I was crushed.

It sucked.

I spent most of yesterday in bed, crying.

Weather why?

2009-01-10T16:08:00.002-05:00

It has been snowing all day here. Non-stop. Total accumulation is supposed to be 5-10 inches (yay!).

My landlord is now shoveling the snow on our sidewalks for the second time today.

I don't understand that (and also don't understand why he doesn't buy a snowblower given that he has multiple properties).

Personally, I'd wait till it stopped and then shovel. I'd rather have one really hard job than multiple hard jobs.

Suddenly I am so popular

2009-01-07T23:04:00.001-05:00

at home that is ... since I got a heated blanket. I'm pretty sure that is just coincidental though.

Don't forget why I'm leaving...

2009-01-07T13:15:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is my last day. People keep asking if I am excited and acting like this is such a good thing. People - even apparently my boss - keep forgetting that I am not leaving by choice. I' ve been fired - let go, whatever. Yes, I (likely - paperwork still is being held up) have a new job. But it is hard to get excited about it because I feel like crap for losing my job (and because I had to take a pay cut at the new job). This is hardly some big huge exciting life transition.

I've been trying so hard over these past couple of months to be positive, to focus on work, and to maintain good relationships. I think that has, to some extent, fooled people into thinking I'm ok with all of this. I don't want anyone to feel badly - but I do want those close to me to be a little more sensitive to the reality of this. Losing a job is hard - no matter what. And this wasn't due to money - this was personal. I know that there are major regrets on my boss' part - she feels very guilty, but the fact is she decided to fire me. And that hurts tremendously and mucks with my sense of competence and worth.

Operationalize!

2008-12-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

That's it!

Help!

2008-12-31T14:16:00.001-05:00

What is it called when you quantify/define a variable in social science ..... why can't I remember the term? I used it all the time with my undergrads .... you ____ a variable!

I need to get back into my field, stat. My head is too full of Medicine.

Oy.

2008-12-22T20:21:00.002-05:00

I had a phone interview today for a job. At the end, she said, "I definitely want to bring you in for a face-to-face interview." Super! But, interviews will occur mid-to-late January.

My start date for my new job is January 16.

But, I will not know until January 5 - at the earliest - if the job will really happen. They think it will because they haven't heard anything from the College - but we won't know till then.

What this could mean is that I could conceivably start a new job, interview for another position and potentially be offered that position just a couple weeks into my new job.

And the kicker is that the potential job starts at a salary at LEAST 10k more than my starting salary at the job I've accepted. It is a Director title - so much higher rank, it is in my field, working at a much much better university (profgrrrl's alma mater, actually), and would be exactly on the right track to a very good future in the field I have wanted to work in for eons (it seems).

It would be such a good job for me, it's not even funny.

I so don't know what to do. I have to do the second interview clearly - I have to at least let this play out and see if I get an offer, then I can decide. But I still feel like I should let the place where I've accepted a job know that this not knowing if I am really hired has forced me to keep my options open so that they aren't shocked.

Because seriously, if I got offered a director position at more than 10k than I would make in the other job - how could I not take it?

But how could I screw them over like that? My hunch is that then they would not be allowed to replace the position, and they would be totally screwed. On the other hand, if on the 5th I find out that they can't hire me, I'd be totally screwed too. But in that instance, it wouldn't be their fault.

Would you rather...?

2008-12-19T21:16:00.003-05:00

If there was a chance that you were being laid off, and that your last day would be January 1, would you rather:
a. be told of the possibility now
b. wait and not know anything until it is decided?

Someone in my office may be laid off on January 1, and that person hasn't even been told yet that this is a possibility. I don't know if that person suspects it or not.

Part of me thinks it'd be better to know - but what could you do really? It's not like in this next two weeks you can really begin looking for a job. And it would cause a lot of anxiety and worry over the holidays.

But on the other hand, it gives a little more time to adjust and prepare before the last day.

And just like that, things can change

2008-12-19T07:34:00.002-05:00

Apparently there is still a chance they won't be allowed to hire me for the job. New edicts about personnel are coming down today (right before xmas, nice), and it is possible that no hires (even internal) will be allowed, period.

Luckily I got an email asking me to interview for a much much better job on monday, so I'm not freaking out too much. Except, I had to write my resignation letter yesterday, even though I'm being let go, so that my new position can be processed. I am currently freaking out that my having done that might screw me out of unemployment if it comes to that. Does anyone know?

I'm worried too what would happen if I got offered this other position. While things are still not solid, it's ok. But I doubt they will move fast enough through the hiring process to make me feel ok about turning down the other job.

Cart before the horse, and all that. I just wonder if I should let my new place of employment know that I am going to keep dong interviews given that this may not end up working out.

Good news for me, but not for others

2008-12-17T20:50:00.002-05:00

This is apt for what is going on at my institution. I got a job (yay!) in a really really good department. The job and salary aren't the best, but they like the skills I have and I think it will be a good thing for me (and I'll be working for a Dean, so I think that offers some nice perks in terms of advancement if I do well).

At the same time, our school is reducing costs like crazy. The rumors are that any grad student NOT on grant funds will no longer be employed (yikes! What about teaching? Some depts rely on grad students to teach) and anyone who is on probationary status (either due to coming to the end of their first year working here or the first year after taking a new position or getting a promotion) will be let go (and not replaced) UNLESS their position is absolutely necessary.

Now, this only applies to non-union staff. We've a chunk of staff who are unionized - they cannot be fired (because the university would just have to find another position for them) and cannot have their hours reduced. I support unions, but in this instance, I find this extremely problematic and think that in times of extreme economic crisis, there should be exceptions. This is particularly the case because some of the staff in this category are among our more aggregious underperformers.

Particularly since faculty cannot be cut either. We have one tenured faculty member making 6 figures who has not brought in a grant in years. He has to stay because he is tenured, but is making basically no contributions (this really chaps my hide since I have brought in more than 4 times my salary in grant monies).

The only people who can be cut are academic staff. I think this is exceptionally unfair. Cuts should be consistent and should not affect one group only. They should be based on quality of work or seniority, or both.

In the face of all of this, I'm astounded that I am going to continue being able to work here.

And to admit to a bit of schadenfreude - a co-worker who has desperately wanted my job and who has made my life miserable due to her competitiveness or insecurity or whatever is going to be cut. This is a sucky time to do it, but damnit, she deserves to be cut (she's a horrible employee, really - her work is crap and it has pissed me off that she got to keep her job).

CNNNN - Stupid Americans

2008-12-10T23:14:00.001-05:00

I've never heard of this show before - but it is pretty good. Although admittedly, I don't know what KFC is other than the fried chicken maker ....

A weird thing about my interviews

2008-12-10T20:49:00.002-05:00

I've been on a few interviews of late - and in every single one, the others talked far more than I did. In a couple, I was not asked a single question. Often they would talk on and on and then ask if I had any questions. I felt self-centered for trying to talk a little about my skills! Afterwards I would realize that it was an interview (duh!) and they focus needed to be at least partly on me and what I could bring to the job.

Has anyone had this experience on interviews?

I am such a dork

2008-12-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

Who in their right mind uses the word, "apotheosis" in an interview? Seriously.

Admin at an R1

2008-12-07T20:58:00.002-05:00

It's interesting moving from being a PhD student to being in administration. Interesting too that my primary blog connections are with students and faculty, and hearing some of the complaints about admin staff.

I'm good at what I do, which makes the termination of my job all the harder. I have developed some really good skills over the past year and a half, and have really come to love some of what I do. I work in academic medicine, and find the culture of medicine to be fascinating. I also find the study of medicine to be involving and stimulating. I am in a field in which I have no background whatsoever, but I have learned a ton and have become a pretty good medical/science writer in this job. I've also become really good at marketing and communications for academic medicine and really good at bringing in money (I've brought in more than 5 times my salary in grants - which you'd think would give me some job security, no?).

On the job-seeking side of things, it's really too bad I didn't get to have a little more time in this job as I would be well positioned to advance and to find something that really fits my skills well and that pays well too. Jobs at that level typically require a few years of experience. I think I could do it, but convincing anyone to take a risk in this economy is not easy (if any of you have ideas on how to do so, let me know - esp. in a cover letter).

I have a second interview next week. I'm not sure how many people they are asking to come again, and it is also not clear if they will be allowed to hire. There's a hiring freeze at our school right now (so much for education and healthcare being the only fields not failing financially right now!!! Which is what they keep saying on the news), and so they have to get special dispensation for this hire. It works in my favor that I would be an internal hire as it won't cost the university any more money - but it's possible that my rivals are also internal hires.

The guy who would be my boss called me last week and said that some were concerned that I would be bored in the position. I said I wouldn't - but honestly, I worry about that too. The guy I would work for seems great and really wants someone smart and creative who can really help him advance his unit. The position does not currently involve development, communications, and marketing - but it sounds like it could, and that that would make him very happy. For example, he wants to connect with alumni, which is something I have wanted to do in my current position but really lack the time to do so.

But here's the thing - the things he'd ideally like in someone in that position requires skills and intelligence - but the pay for the position is pretty low (the high end of the scale is more than $3000 less than I make now, and I'm underpaid in my department!!!), and I think they consider that level of position to be fairly secretarial in that department (whereas in our department, the secretaries are civil service - but many departments are getting rid of their civil service staff because they are hard to fire and often have low skills).

It's funny because academics and academic physicians want their admin staff to be more like them - smart enough to keep up with them and able to handle anything with little supervision. In academic medicine this may be even more true because physicians don't have time to explain things and the stakes for getting things right are so high (due to the demands of patient care). But, often there is just no money for that level of skill. My current boss and I often joke that it takes an almost PhD to do well in my position due to all the stuff I need to know and need to do (for example, helping with promotion and tenure requires a keen knowledge of academia and research/journals/publications).

I have hopes that if I get this job (and if they can at least match my current salary - though I'd have to accept it even if they don't, most likely*) that I will find it to be a good match. The man for whom I'd work seems calm and smart - the former trait would be refreshing. The department is known for being a really good place to work with minimal drama and with an incredibly smart department chair. She is also a dean, and is well-known and extremely respected.

So my thought is that even if the job is not perfect, it would be a good environment (which would be such a nice change), with good people, in a field of medicine that actually interests me tremendously.

*I applied last week for a job that would be perfect for me - it is doing much of what I do now (marketing, communications, education) but in my field (violence) and working for someone who also got kicked out of my program. The problem is that the deadline for applications isn't until mid-January, and I'm worried they won't even start looking at applications until then! I plan to contact them if I get a job offer from this other place to see if I can push it a little - because it would seriously be perfect. The only problem is that it is in a non-profit - and I think it would be really hard and sad for me to leave academia.

Does this ever happen to anyone else?

2008-12-07T13:10:00.003-05:00

Or am I weird.

These are not mutually exclusive.

On friday, I became absolutely convinced that I smelled bad. I became self-conscious and worried. Every time I got close to someone, or someone came into my office, I worried they knew I was stinky. All day I worried and worried.

The reason for the stinkiness is, I convinced myself, that I have been using a homemade salt scrub in the mornings instead of soap. It is so cold and dry here, using a salt scrub helps keep moisturized (it's basically salt and vitamin e oil with some scent). I convinced myself on friday that because I haven't been using soap, I was getting filthy and thus stinky.

I think this is partly a manifestation of some extreme anxiety - I've been laid off. I learned this when I returned from helping my mom move home after my grandpa died. I thought there was a chance I wold be moved into another job, but that will not occur. Then the day after thanksgiving weekend, I got an email telling me my last day was december 31.

I should write more about this because I'm so distressed I'm immobilized. And clearly think I stink not just body odorwise, but otherwise. I guess it's easier to worry about stinking vis a vis one's smell than about about one's skills and prospects.

Cat cam

2008-12-06T11:15:00.000-05:00

I love this series of photos taken by (and some of) a cat. A couple in seattle put a cat cam on the cat's collar and have been posting the photos he takes. He seems particularly enthralled with lawn ornaments.

A dilemma

2008-11-30T20:45:00.002-05:00

Today at the thrift store I bought a grey shawl collared sweater that was $4.10, and then 50% off, so it was $2.05. When I got it home, I found that the brand (TSE) and the material (100% cashmere) put its original value upwards of $500.

That made me think I should give it to my mom for xmas because it is really nice and very luxurious.

But, I don't know that she'd like it (due to the style), and I'd be sad to give her something I love so much only to have it languish in her closet.

The argument for keeping it for me is that it would be a nice bday gift for me at a time I can't really afford to get myself anything.

If I knew she'd like it, I'd give it to her with no hesitation.

A news question

2008-11-05T20:51:00.002-05:00

I had to stop reading the NYT today because I kept tearing up on the bus to work. The articles were so poignant and moving, I was stunned (although i have a complaint - more on that later).

How do newspapers do it? Do they prepare two issues for the day after election day? Each one has a diff election section and diff front page ...? Or did the entire news team just not sleep?

If the former, is there a way to see the copy of the mccain version? I'm curious as to how it would be covered.

I'll be able to say I was there.

2008-11-05T00:54:00.002-05:00

Years from now when they ask where I was when the first black president of the US was elected - I'll be able to say I was right there - in Chicago, in the park, at the rally cheering him on.

Today, I am proud to be an American. And it is damned nice to be a democrat today - for the first time in a long long time.

Did anyone else think Sarah Palin's pause before the podium as she was exiting the stage was indicative of a desire to stop and say something? I was reminded of Eva Peron for a moment.

Don't cry for me Wasilla!

Weird

2008-11-03T20:58:00.001-05:00

I'm on the Obama rally waiting list. The Obama campaign called me and said I could get in if I went down to Indiana and campaigned for him.

I turned them down. It probably would have been fun, actually, But it is weird to me to have that kind of catch.

Obama's grandmother and my grandfather

2008-11-03T18:31:00.000-05:00

both died within hours of each other.

Out of curiosity...

2008-11-02T22:50:00.003-05:00

Where do you have family? People are always surprised that I have family in the south ... they'd likely be even more surprised that some of my family lives(lived) in trailers. I'm curious how spread out and diverse of location others' families are. Here's mine (present and past):

New Hampshire
Vermont
New York
New Jersey
Maryland
North Carolina
Florida (my dad grew up there - that's why there is family there, not because people retired there!)
Georgia (past)
Michigan
Minnesota (past)
Nebraska
Montana
Washington
Oregon (past)
California
New Mexico (past)
Maui
Australia (past)
Cameroon (past)
Upper Volta (past)
Papua New Guinea (past)

random things

2008-11-02T16:33:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else read jezebel? I'm officially in love with that site.
My grandfather's cancer has spread to his liver - the hospice nurse gives him days/hours.
which means he won't make it for thanksgiving or my bday.
I ended up not leaving my job because the new one was reneging on promises they made me and I started learning that it is a volatile and temper-laden workplace.
Unfortunately, my boss has decided my contract will not be renewed in january - which means I have no job after january 15th
i've been applying to jobs like crazy, and all I'm getting are rejections.
my boss has now decided she wants her best friend (at work) to have my job and has given me the option of either taking her best friend's job until jan 15th or to be sent home until my contract runs out.
i feel like taking that job is the best chance to possibly have a job after january (because hopefully they would like me and would want to keep me) - but it is not a job I want
because part of what I have learned is that the jobs I want right now require a year or two more experience in my current position (or one like it) than I have
i am really regretting having turned down the other job
but it felt like the best thing at the time
i never expected my boss to turn on me this way
at the same time - I am so done with all the over-the-top emotional stuff - the scapegoating, the refusing to speak to people, the cruelty, the yelling, the name calling, the threats
i wish I could just switch jobs right now
but i also wish my boss would realize that i am the only one who can do my job
but i think I need to give up - things will never get better
partly because some of my tasks have been given to a co-worker who is desperate for my job (nice) and to be chummy with my boss- and she keeps complaining to my boss about me (even though I'm not doing ANYTHING)
so I keep getting yelled at, threatened, and blamed
things suck, so I'm watching a lot of movies.
I'm on an Apatow kick right now - loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the canceled tv series Undeclared
although i watched superbad yesterday and didn't really like it
I also watched Sex and the City - the movie. That was horrible.
I saw Penelope last weekend - and want to own her room, her wardrobe - I loved that sweet and quirky movie. It wasn't brilliant or earth shattering - but it was adorable.
i also saw persepolis, which I strongly recommend.
it was not solely interesting because of the perspective on Iran - but also because of the interesting insights on emigration, fitting in, and home.
has anyone heard the joke that whoever wins on wednesday is going to demand a recount? hilarious.
is it wednesday yet? I can't stand the anxiety and am too worried to hope.

Obama's cabinet

2008-11-01T11:26:00.003-04:00

I thought this was interesting - and definitely a nice mixture of some dems and reps. Though my one worry is that with all of those dem senators in the cabinet - that leaves a lot of senate seats open.

You go MSNBC

2008-10-25T20:23:00.001-04:00

Watch this and then this for more detail.

Dancing in the Street - Beautiful People - BBC Two

2008-10-25T18:37:00.001-04:00

I've just watched one episode of this thus far- but it is wonderful - funny, affectionate, biting. I love it.

this is awesome

2008-10-21T23:02:00.001-04:00

go and click everything.

Little tv poll

2008-10-12T11:26:00.003-04:00

without poll technology:

1. Do you plan to watch the final debate this week?
if no, do you think you may end up watching it anyway?

2. have your tv watching habits changed since the tv strike?
2a. are you watching more or less actual tv this new season? more or less tv on the web?

3. do you think cable/satellite is becoming obsolete with more and more tv being available on the web?

4. would you prefer to pay a fixed amount per month for premium channels to watch them on the web instead of having to purchase them on top of cable? For example, on showtime they advertise that it is like $15.00 a month - would you pay that to watch on the web?

I'll respond to my questions.

I don't plan to watch the debate - but I've a hunch I will end up watching it. It's just hard to believe that it will change anything for me, that I'll learn anything, or that anything substantive will occur. But, I won't want to miss anything just in case.

I notice that I'm less aware this year of new shows, of tv schedules, of season premieres, etc. I'm finding myself watching less tv and am watching things more on itunes, hulu, and surfthechannel. Part of this is that I don't always want to watch things when they are on (but don't feel like dealing with recording things) and don't have cable, so use alternate means of watching things I want to see. Given how much I can see on the web, it's hard for me to see cable/satellite as something to spend money on. And if showtime, hbo, etc., made their channels available on the web for a cost, I might be very tempted to do that.

I also kind of like waiting to watch something on dvd. Right now, I'm watching Freaks and Geeks, inspired by having watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall last weekend, and loving that (despite some of the issues related to women's portrayal - I love Jason Segel so much).

From the London Times

2008-10-12T09:26:00.001-04:00

In some interesting comments over at the NYT, one person asked why Obama was denigrated for allegedly thinking America was imperfect as exemplified by his "palling around" with "terrorists" when Palin sleeps with someone who wanted to secede from America.

Anyway, this is an interesting article.

From this morning's London *Times*:

McCain tussles with Palin over whipping up a mob mentality
Sarah Baxter

With his electoral prospects fading by the day, Senator John McCain has
fallen out with his vice-presidential running mate about the direction
of his White House campaign.

McCain has become alarmed about the fury unleashed by Sarah Palin, the
moose-hunting "pitbull in lipstick", against Senator Barack Obama. Cries
of "terrorist" and "kill him" have accompanied the tirades by the
governor of Alaska against the Democratic nominee at Republican rallies.

Mark Salter, McCain's long-serving chief of staff, is understood to have
told campaign insiders that he would prefer his boss, a former Vietnam
prisoner of war, to suffer an "honourable defeat" rather than conduct a
campaign that would be out of character - and likely to lose him the election.

Palin, 44, has led the character attacks on Obama in the belief that
McCain may be throwing away the election and her chance of becoming vice-
president. Her supporters think that if the Republican ticket loses on
November 4, she should run for president in 2012.

A leading Republican consultant said: "A lot of conservatives are
grumbling about what a poor job McCain is doing. They are rolling their
eyes and saying, 'Yes, a miracle could happen, but at this rate it is
all over'.

"Sarah Palin is no fool. She sees the same thing and wants to salvage
what she can. She is positioning herself for the future. Her best days
could be in front of her. She wants to look as though she was the
fighter, the person with the spunk who was out there taking it to the
Democrats."

McCain, 72, has encouraged voters to contrast his character with
Obama's. The campaign launched a tough television commercial last week
questioning, "Who is Barack Obama?"

Frank Keating, McCain's campaign co-chairman, last week called the
Democrat a "guy off the street" and said he should admit that he had
"used cocaine".

McCain believes the attacks have spun out of control. At a rally in
Lakeville, Minnesota, the Arizona senator became visibly angry when he
was booed for calling Obama "a decent person". He took the microphone
from an elderly woman who said she disliked Obama because he was "Arab",
saying, "No ma'am, no ma'am".

When another questioner demanded that he tell the truth about Obama, he
said: "I want everybody to be respectful and let's be sure we are."

However, his campaign has stepped up its negative advertising against
Obama, accusing him of lying about his relationship with William Ayers,
the leader of the Weather Underground group responsible for bombing the
Capitol and the Pentagon in the early 1970s, who is now a Chicago professor.

Palin has continued to lead the charge against Obama's alleged lack of
candour. At a rally in Wilmington, Ohio, she mocked him for attending a
supporters' meeting in Ayers's home when he was seeking to become an
Illinois state senator in 1995. "He didn't know he launched his career
in the living room of a domestic terrorist until he did know," Palin said.

"Some will say, jeez Sarah, it's getting negative. No it's not
negativity. It's truthfulness." The crowd bellowed its appreciation with
chants of "Nobama" and "Go Sarah Go!"

John Weaver, a former senior McCain adviser who left the campaign when
it almost imploded in the summer of last year, questioned the purpose of
the attacks.

"People need to understand, for moral reasons and the protection of our
civil society, that the differences with Senator Obama are ideological,
based on clear differences on policy and a lack of experience compared
with Senator McCain," he said.

"And from a purely practical political vantage point, please find me a
swing voter, an undecided independent, or a torn female voter that finds
an angry mob mentality attractive."

A McCain official confirmed that there was dissension in the campaign.
"There is always going to be a debate about the costs and benefits of
any strategy," he said.

"After November 4, the feelings of individuals will come to light. It is
only natural and will be expected."

Palin's frustration with McCain has led to clashes over strategy. When
she learnt he was pulling resources from Michigan, an industrial swing
state leaning heavily in Obama's favour, she fired off an e-mail saying,
"Oh come on, do we have to?" and offered to travel there with her
husband Todd, four-times winner of the 2,000-mile Iron Dog snow-mobile race.

She also told Bill Kristol, the conservative New York Times columnist,
that she wished the campaign would make more of Obama's 20-year
association with the Rev Jeremiah Wright, his controversial former
pastor, who said, "God damn America".

"To me, that does say something about character," Palin said. "But you
know, I guess that would be a John McCain call on whether he wants to
bring it up."

McCain's allies responded by suggesting that she had her own pastor
problems, such as the African minister who prayed to Jesus to protect
her from witchcraft when she was running for governor.

McCain has told his campaign that attacks on religion are out of bounds.
He declined Palin's advice to "take the gloves" off in his debate with
Obama last week and did not refer to Ayers. It enabled Obama to rile
McCain by asking why he did not have the nerve to attack him to his face.

When McCain finally got round to mentioning the Weatherman at a rally
last week, he described him mildly as "an old washed-up terrorist".

Despite the attacks, Obama, 47, increased his average poll lead last
week to eight points over McCain. The assaults on his character have
enabled him to criticise McCain for "stoking anger and division" when
the economy is collapsing.

McCain's nosedive in the polls has closely tracked the collapse of Wall
Street and the US economy, but he has yet to find a winning economic
policy. His proposed emergency $300 billion (?180 billion) buy-out of
distressed mortgages has been harshly criticised by Republicans.

Karl Rove, the former White House aide, claimed the housing bailout
"came across as both impulsive and badly explained" when McCain suddenly
announced it during last week's debate with Obama.

A spokesman for McCain denied he and Palin had fallen out over her
aggressive attacks. "Vice-presidential candidates are typically the tip
of the spear and further out in front than the candidate for president.
This is pretty standard fare," he said.

However, Palin is no longer helping to attract women and independent
voters to the Republican ticket. A poll for Fox News last week showed
that while 47% of voters regard the Alaska governor favourably, 42% now
have an unfavourable opinion of her.

Palin remains far more popular than McCain with the Republican party
base. He regularly has to endure the spectacle of members of the
audience leaving for their cars when it is his turn to speak at joint rallies.

In Wilmington, Palin's many admirers were in no doubt that she should
run for president next time. Nancy Ross, a hairdresser, 45, said if the
Republicans lost the election, she would be cheered up by the thought of
Palin as the 2012 nominee.

"I would absolutely love her to run in four years' time. By then most of
her kids will be grown," she said. "I'd like her to run against Hillary
[Clinton]. She would squash her. She is a real person and we need people
like her in Washington."

Mary Ann Black, 58, a human resources director, said: "I love her. She's
so authentic." Although she thought highly of McCain as well, Black
added: "Her career is just beginning and his is in the twilight."

Is there a convent for atheists?

2008-10-10T19:53:00.002-04:00

My boss told me yesterday that I should join a convent - she said then I would be protected from the world and supported, and I could do my weird little projects and make things and read, and be kept safe.

At first I was offended, then I thought she was likely right. But there's no such place for someone who isn't devoted to a spiritual life or a god of some kind. Right?

This is insane

2008-10-05T10:37:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows or who has spent any time with Ayers and Dohrn knows that they are very different people today than they were in the 60s and 70s (aren't we all???). They are committed to their city, to children, education, to families, and to justice - especially juvenile justice. They fight against racism and poverty and support pretty amazing educational initiatives. They are kind, generous, and gentle people whose past seems incongruous in its extremism and violence. They have created an amazing collection of friends among some of the best and brightest artists, writers, thinkers, activists. They like to support the work of those they admire. They are smart and committed to improving our city and our country - those who know them think they are significant assets to our city.

I'd like to challenge McCain and McPalin to go have dinner with them and just talk to them. Theyll see how insane these charges they've leveled against Obama are. And read Ayers' book, watch the documentary about them - it's a complex story that involves some really strong and important intentions (end vietnam, end racism, end oppression) with some questionable means. It's not as cut and dry as it seems. Particularly when you know them - and see how genuine and caring they are.

edited to add: I saw this on Michael Moore's website today:

Glass Houses
"How can you countenance someone who was engaged in bombings that could have or did kill innocent people?"
– John McCain

"And thus it was on October 26, 1967, that John McCain, flying in his A-4 Skyhawk, was hit by a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft artillery shell just as he fired off his missile at—not a military target, not an army unit, not a battleship—but an electricity generating station that supplied electrical power to a number of neighborhoods. The target, according to McCain, was in 'a heavily populated part of Hanoi.' Heavily populated. A plane from the sky raining missiles down on a heavily populated area of a nation's capital." – Michael Moore, 'Mike's Election Guide'

Thank goodness - she has stopped making sense!

2008-10-02T21:31:00.002-04:00

I was terrified because Palin was making sense for a full like 20 minutes in the debate ... but now she is rambly and nonsensical again. Hallelujah!

drink when someone says "middle class."

BTW, is she reading notes? She keeps looking down at her podium.

If you missed this on SNL

2008-09-28T09:53:00.003-04:00

Watch the Katie Couric interview with Sarah Palin. I don't remember ever laughing so hard.

I love Tina Fey.

You can see the original interview here. It's sad how hard it is to tell the two apart (note how she restates a point by simply changing the syllable she accents: reCUSE becomes REcuse and himSELF becomes HIMself when talking about fannie may and freddie mac).

I swear her responses were like mad libs into which: job creation, health care reform, main street, shoring up our economy, etc. get added into generic text.

and I love Campbell Brown now. Free Sarah Palin.

Humility

2008-09-27T22:30:00.002-04:00

Even if you don't watch project runway, I'm curious as to your thoughts on this...

One piece of disturbing rhetoric that has come of late in regards to one of the contestants is that she is too full of herself and needs to be taught some humility. This contestant tends to believe that everything she creates is genius and innovative and should win. She is defiant when she gets criticized and refuses to adjust her designs. She's difficult and emotional and rigid in a way that doesn't help her craft.

But is she *too* full of herself? Does she need to be more humble? This kind of language disturbs me because I tend to see it applied to females and not to males.

Part of my reaction is that this is something abusive men use to defend their abuse - the woman was too "uppity" or too "stuck up" so she deserved or needed to be abused/hit/raped, etc. A woman like that needs to be "taken down a peg."

Clearly this context makes it clear that it's disturbing to think of confident and strong women in that way. But why are strong and confident women seen as needing to be taken down a peg even by men and women who would never use violence or abuse power? What is wrong with a strong and confident woman? And why is this NEVER leveled against a man? And why would we expect an artist to be anything but confident about their work - you have to be in order to think you have it in you to create.

There've been plenty of delusional, untalented, belligerent men on project runway - and to the best of my ability, I've never heard/read anyone use similar language. He may be called an asshole or he may be given a pass because he's a man.

And this irks me in real life too. Difficult men can get away with so much more than difficult women. One of my coworkers was complaining about having to work with women because they are so "emotional" - and yet quite literally the most emotional person in our department is a male - and we are all ruled by his moods. I spent much of yesterday anxious with a stomach ache because he was in the conference room yelling at his administrators for hours (this isn't my new job, btw - I start that in a couple of weeks).

But more to my original point - I feel like every time I start to feel okay about myself, start to feel like I am doing a good job, that I'm good at what I do - I get knocked down. My boss has called me overconfident at times (while simultaneously telling me I am so insecure that I need way too that she is forced to give me positive feedback, which is a huge drain on her) or put me down by saying that I thought that some task or other was "beneath me" (for the record, I have never said that to her or anyone).

A few weeks ago, I had an interview for my new job - and they thought I was great - that I had great skills and would add a lot to their department. I brought a portfolio of some of my work, and they all seemed very impressed. This really bolstered my confidence at a time that I needed it. Right afterwards my boss indicated that I had done nothing of value for her since January (incl. apparently the over 100k I've brought in since January), and on and on about how horrible I am as a person and as an employee.

I've cried every day since then and wonder how on earth I could even think of going to a new job and being able to do anything good there. I'll still be me - and me sucks.

I feel like part of this is a pattern - I start to feel good and confident - and then someone cuts me down. I don't know if I get to be really a complete pain in the ass to be around when I feel okay about myself - or what it is.

And more, I don't understand why it is *so* bad when women feel good about themselves. Why is this still seen as so threatening to status quo - even among other women?

A sad loss

2008-09-27T09:59:00.000-04:00

Paul Newman died yesterday.

Does anyone else hate greeters?

2008-09-26T21:02:00.002-04:00

I hate 'em. The chick at forever 21, the dude at Borders (I read books, ergo I am introverted - leave me alone!), the woman at the hospital where I work, the salesthings at bath and body works, etc., etc.

I feel like old people might like them - but not me. Anyone else?

Roller coaster of a day

2008-09-18T22:12:00.002-04:00

This morning I walked to the train with plans of stopping downtown to go to the farmer's market before work. I also wanted to stop at starbucks because mine was out of chai this week (the horrors!). When I got the the train station, I found the train was down we had to take a shuttle. It took an hour to get downtown - and I had to stand the whole time.

The bus driver stopped at one point and yelled out that this was the stop for those of us who needed a specific stop. The problem was, many of us needed that stop, but had no idea where we actually were. Several people asked if she really wasn't going to the stop (because after all, this was a shuttle - so you'd think it would follow the same route as the train). One guy made some comment about how demanding the riders were and asked if they were going to ask the bus driver to take them home too.

Turns out, she was a full 10 blocks from the train station. I rushed there, and was in pain after having had to stand that long by the time I got downtown. I wa too tired to go to the farmer's market, and too grouchy to do so as well. On the plus side, I did get to stop at a bakery I see a lot but am never actually near when it is open. And I got a very yummy banana oatmeal muffin, a cornmeal and cranberry scone, and a peach yogurt parfait. So yummy.

I got to work 2 hours after I left the house. Grrr..... a lot of people have very long commutes due to the effects of the flooding here, so I ought not complain.

When I got to work, my boss decided I needed to get some stuff prepared for our department chair. So, I rushed to get it all done - and he never showed. grrr...

But then later that day, I learned that I am coming into some money - which is good given that I have stock in AIG and my bank is washington mutual! It's not clear when I get the money - but it's nice knowing it's there.

Then a little later I got a call offering me a job. I'd interviewed earlier this week - on tuesday, actually. It's a good job - basically focusing on what I like about my current job, with less of what bores me. It's in a small department at the same med school where I work now. The department chair reenacted monty python skits during my interview - which was pretty funny. I liked the lightness of the environment and the way they interacted. I hope it's not too good to be true.

I have until monday to tell them my salary thoughts and to give them some sense of a start date.

I told my boss that I'd been offered the job - she was one of my references, so I thought they'd called her. They hadn't. But what's odd is that they had called another of my references (and told her they were offering me the job!). My boss seemed upset and basically said, "Okay, good. It's for the best. I have to talk to the person waiting for me outside my office." Ouch.

I went into my office and cried. Crazy as it is, I will miss her terribly. This is particularly crazy given that last week she accused me of emotional blackmail (because I told her that I was applying for new jobs for reasons I won't go into here), told me I'd done nothing of value since january (uhh... that's not what my review from July says!), said she dreaded the thought of continuing to work with me (ouch), she told me I had "inserted" myself into her personal life and that she was "done with" me, etc., etc. I keep hearing some of these (and others) in my head. I think I blew an interview on monday because I just felt so horrible and worthless.

I won't miss her temper, but I will miss her terribly.

Our HR person advised me to ask for 5-10k more than I am making more. Anyone have any good advice on negotiating such things?

Sometimes I feel guilty...

2008-09-15T19:40:00.002-04:00

like when I was thinking of posting yesterday's AWESOME NYT article on Sarah P (in which they asserted she basically governs by nepotism and personal vendettas) and the SNL skit with Tina Fey playing her. I feel guilty about how much I hate her, and can't help but wonder at why )do I feel betrayed because she's a woman? furious because women like her get so much positive attention despite being no better than other women who get lambasted for being assertive/aggressive while women like Sarah P lipstick-coat their intentions and ambitions?).

On another note - I notice I am really into sci fi right now - which is a little bizarre to me. Bizarre because it's atypical of me. I moved from firefly (simply because I ran out of episodes and watched the film) and onto Terminator: The Sarah Connor chronicles (btw, never saw the movies). Each has such different views of the future. Both are fairly dismal, but firefly's is much more complex, and the people are more complicated mixes of good and bad. Terminator is bleak bleak bleak, but it is so black and white it's not even funny.

It's odd to me to consider I might be seeking some escapism through them - and yet it's escapism into a much worse world than the one I'm in. Is that somehow comforting?

I will say that it is nice to finally be obsessed with a show I can actually watch on tv - since I don't have cable, I have to watch my other obsessions (Madmen and Project Runway) through other means, which means delays and making sure to avoid spoilers. But in 10 minutes, I can watch the next episode of Terminator, for free, at the same time as the rest of the world.

Does everyone else know about hulu.com? Free tv shows with minimal ads.

I want to write about this,

2008-09-11T22:44:00.002-04:00

but I don't want it to show up on the pages of the chronicle...

I've mentioned before that part of my job is helping people with their P&T applications (not spelling that out to avoid google searches). I think I'm in a halfway decent place to proffer some advice. I know the limits of my knowledge - and I think what I know is not unhelpful. So, I am sharing it with you.

Here's my advice.
1. Read the application early and get to know it.
Not only do you want to be familiar with it in order to fill it out, it also can give you a sense of what kinds of records to keep. This is crucial for young faculty because good record keeping will make your life so much easier when it comes time to do this process. And don't forget to read the directions - even if there are 7 different instruction packets with so much detail you want to scream. Reading and knowing all of it will help.

2. Keep good records.
Don't expect the admin staff to maintain records on your students/advisees/trainees (incl. how much time you spend with them), your committees, whether or not your publication has moved from "in press" to published, your contract history, where your students/advisees/ trainees are now. They just won't. Admin staffs change over with alarming frequency - especially the good ones. Record keeping varies wildly from institution to institution, department to department, staff person to staff person. Don't rely on anyone else to keep your records - you do it.

3. Use your cv as a record keeping mechanism.
Each month, update your cv. Keep track of all of your publications (including in press and in progress), all of your students/advisees, all the classes you teach and the evaluation means, every talk you give, every poster you do, etc. Alternatively, create an excel spreadsheet to track everything, including the hours you spend on each part of your job (service, teaching, clinical work, research). Start early, update often.

4. Develop connections and collaborations.
A large part of your application comprises the referee letters. Some schools want those to be people who know and love you (professionally speaking) and some want completely objective referees (ours is the latter; and Harvard is just freaky*). Regardless, you want to make yourself known. Collaborate with big names, meet people at conferences, give talks - get out there and make sure people are aware of your work.

5. Relatedly, develop a national reputation.
You want some name recognition among your referees. If you are at a school where the referees need to be objective, you don't want letters from people who have never heard of you (they may refuse then to not write them too, and every response to the request for referees becomes a part of your application!!!). You want them to have heard of you, your work, you want them to have heard you speak, you want them to have cited you or used your articles in a class, or to have some way used your research.

6. No one cares more than you do.
If you are lucky enough to have admin help with your application, don't expect them to kill themselves over your app. If you are lucky enough to have someone dedicated enough to try to do everything they can to help you create a successful application, treat them well and feed them often. Seriously, a good admin person can be the best thing that could ever happen to you because they will keep an eye on things for you, help you fill in holes, work tirelessly to make sure every little thing is complete and perfect. But, they are not you - they don't know your work and some errors they just will not see (like authors who are switched) and they cannot be expected to go much beyond what you give them (if your CV is wrong, so will be your app unless you catch it!). It is to your advantage to keep that person happy and engaged, otherwise YOU will suffer because they will stop caring and stop going the extra mile

7. Find someone who cares more than you do.
Your application will be reviewed by your peers - and others. So, why not have your peers look at it before you turn it in? Don't be the only one looking at it - rely on your mentors and peers. If you don't have mentors and peers, find them. Find someone too who thinks the sun rises and sets with you, and have them read it because they'll be able to tell you when you could or should promote yourself and your achievements more or better. They might be able to remember stuff you can't as well. Rely on your more senior colleagues too.

8. Pay attention to what happens to your articles.
Keep track of how many times it has been cited (and get those articles - my old advisor had me check every month and get every article for her), and don't just rely on web of science - it underestimates (google scholar is pretty good - use a bunch of different sources, it helps - even amazon.com can help). Make sure you get your impact scores too and that you understand your field's range so you know how yours compare to others in your field.

9. Become a CV collector.
Every time a CV is distributed, keep a copy. Read them and see what you like, what you don't about the formatting and what is kept in it (ooh, I've seen some doozies - like one that was completely center justified - ouch. Another had his entire sordid marital and offspring history in it!). Also use it to engage in some HEALTHY self-comparison. Where are these people in their careers, and how do you compare? Use it to create goals.

10. Create goals.
Part of your statements should not be unlike a Miss America pageant speech - if you are crowned, what will you do with your newfound power? If you get P'ed or T'ed - what will you do? (increasing service is one typical one, applying for grants, etc.).

11. Get examples.
If your peers will share their statements and applications/dossiers with you, take them up on it. So much is ambiguous and unclear in these forms- and you want to see how others have positioned themselves.

12. Think about your own story.
You know how to look at data and see what story it is telling, do the same with your own work. This is part of packaging yourself - what sets you apart?

13. Imagine someone from a completely different field (chemistry, medicine, history, art) reading your application.
Would they understand everything? Would they get the significance of your achievements? Would they understand the acronyms and the research?

14. Don't avoid it.
Getting an early start will save you so much pain and excrutiating torture later. Trust me.

15. What is your program of research?
One of my mentors told me that all of my weird research fit together because it all came from me. She encouraged me to come up with one sentence that described all of my research (mine was: I want to understand the unconscious mechanisms underlying problematic behaviors and experiences). If you have no program yet, work to create something cohesive, but that still has some breadth.

16. I can't reiterate this enough.
No one cares as much or more than you do. If you find yourself not caring or disengaging, reengage, pronto! If you don't, the burden may fall on someone else (like the admin staff) and that's simply not fair, and the stakes are too high to put someone in that position. And please don't make the admin staff write your essays for you - that's just not okay.

17. Rent the series "Firefly" on DVD.
This is just because I've just finished watching it and want to talk about it with someone! :)

* I guess Harvard chooses your competitors and they allow them to write letters for you, but also compete with you for your job - it's a way to trying to get in even better people than you. It's also why so few young faculty get tenured there, and most tenured profs are new to the university.

more sarah p

2008-09-11T21:08:00.000-04:00

From this morning's *USA Today*:

Palin's town used to bill victims for rape kits
By Ken Dilanian and Matt Kelley, USA TODAY

WASILLA, Alaska -- In 2000, Alaska lawmakers learned that rural police
agencies had been billing rape victims or their insurance companies $500
to $1,200 for the costs of the forensic medical examinations used to
gather evidence. They quickly passed a law prohibiting the practice.

According to the sponsor, Democrat Eric Croft, the law was aimed in part
at Wasilla, where now-Gov. Sarah Palin was mayor. When it was signed,
Wasilla's police chief expressed displeasure.

"In the past, we've charged the cost of exams to the victims' insurance
company when possible," then-chief Charlie Fannon told the Mat-Su Valley
Frontiersman, the local newspaper. "I just don't want to see any more
burden put on the taxpayer."

Now that Palin is the Republican nominee for vice president, Democrats
such as former Alaska governor Tony Knowles -- who signed the rape-kit
bill into law and was defeated by Palin in 2006 -- are raising the issue
to question Palin's commitment to women's issues and crime victims.
Palin appointed Fannon after firing his predecessor shortly after she
took office in 1996.

"In retrospect, I would have asked the female working-mother mayor of
that town why her police chief was against this," said Croft, the former
Anchorage state representative.

Palin spokeswoman Maria Comella said in an e-mail that the governor
"does not believe, nor has she ever believed, that rape victims should
have to pay for an evidence-gathering test."

"Gov. Palin's position could not be more clear," she said. "To suggest
otherwise is a deliberate misrepresentation of her commitment to
supporting victims and bringing violent criminals to justice."

Comella would not answer other questions, including when Palin learned
of Wasilla's policy or whether she tried to change it. The campaign
cited the governor's record on domestic violence, including increasing
funding for shelters.

Knowles criticized Palin to USA TODAY, and again Wednesday in a
teleconference organized by Democrats. "It seems like one of those
pieces of legislation that you can't imagine it would ever have to be
written," he said.

Until the 2000 legislation, local law enforcement agencies in Alaska
could pass along the cost of the exams, which are needed to obtain an
attacker's DNA evidence. Rape victims in several areas of Alaska,
including the Matanuska-Susitna Valley where Wasilla is, complained
about being charged for the tests, victims' advocate Lauree Hugonin, of
the Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, told state
House committees, records show.

In cases when insurance companies are billed, the victims pay a deductible.

Fannon told the Frontiersman that the tests would cost the department up
to $14,000 per year. He said he would rather force rapists to pay for
the tests, not taxpayers. Fannon, who is no longer police chief, could
not be reached for comment Wednesday; his home phone number has been
disconnected.

It is not known how many rape victims in Wasilla were required to pay
for some or all of the medical exams, but a legislative staffer who
worked on the bill for Croft said it happened. "It was more than a
couple of cases, and it was standard practice in Wasilla," Peggy Wilcox
said, who now works for the Alaska Public Employees Association. "If you
were raped in Wasilla, this was going to happen to you."

After calling Wasilla Mayor Dianne Keller for comment Tuesday, USA TODAY
was instructed to submit a public records request, under which the city
has 10 days to respond. As of Wednesday, the city had not responded to a
request for records reflecting Wasilla's prior policy, including when it
took effect and the cost to sexual assault victims.

In 2000, there were 497 rapes reported in Alaska, FBI statistics show.
That's a rate of 79.3 per 100,000 residents, the highest in the nation.

Nationally, victims' advocates have for years reported scattered
instances of rape victims being required to pay for their forensic
tests, says Ilse Knecht of the National Center for Victims of Crime in
Washington. Those complaints have subsided somewhat after Congress in
2005 passed a law requiring states to provide rape exams free of charge
or reimburse victims for the costs, says Knecht, whose group supported
the provision.

"The reason we passed the legislation was that we saw it was prevalent
enough to be a pretty considerable problem," Knecht says. "There are no
other victims of crime that end up being billed for evidence collection."

The Senate version of the legislation that included the rape-exam
provision was sponsored by Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, the Democratic
vice presidential nominee. Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama
was one of 58 co-sponsors; Republican presidential nominee John McCain
was not.

Sarah P

2008-09-11T21:07:00.000-04:00

I love Roger Ebert:

from today's Chicago *Sun-Times*:

Roger Ebert on Sarah Palin: The American Idol candidate

September 11, 2008

BY ROGER EBERT Sun-Times

I think I might be able to explain some of Sarah Palin's appeal. She's
the "American Idol" candidate. Consider. What defines an "American Idol"
finalist? They're good-looking, work well on television, have a sunny
personality, are fierce competitors, and so talented, why, they're
darned near the real thing. There's a reason "American Idol" gets such
high ratings. People identify with the contestants. They think, Hey,
that could be me up there on that show!

My problem is, I don't want to be up there. I don't want a vice
president who is darned near good enough. I want a vice president who is
better, wiser, well-traveled, has met world leaders, who three months
ago had an opinion on Iraq. Someone who doesn't repeat bald- faced lies
about earmarks and the Bridge to Nowhere. Someone who doesn't appoint
Alaskan politicians to "study" global warming, because, hello! It has
been studied. The returns are convincing enough that John McCain and
Barack Obama are darned near in agreement.

I would also want someone who didn't make a teeny little sneer when
referring to "people who go to the Ivy League." When I was a teen I
dreamed of going to Harvard, but my dad, an electrician, told me, "Boy,
we don't have the money. Thank your lucky stars you were born in Urbana
and can go to the University of Illinois right here in town." So I did,
very happily. Although Palin gets laughs when she mentions the "elite"
Ivy League, she sure did attend the heck out of college.

Five different schools in six years. What was that about?

And how can a politician her age have never have gone to Europe? My dad
had died, my mom was working as a book-keeper and I had a job at the
local newspaper when, at 19, I scraped together $240 for a charter
flight to Europe. I had Arthur Frommer's $5 a Day under my arm, started
in London, even rented a Vespa and drove in the traffic of Rome. A few
years later, I was able to send my mom, along with the $15 a Day book.

You don't need to be a pointy-headed elitist to travel abroad. You need
curiosity and a hunger to see the world. What kind of a person (who has
the money) arrives at the age of 44 and has only been out of the country
once, on an official tour to Iraq? Sarah Palin's travel record is that
of a provincial, not someone who is equipped to deal with global issues.

But some people like that. She's never traveled to Europe, Asia, Africa,
South America or Down Under? That makes her like them. She didn't go to
Harvard? Good for her! There a lot of hockey moms who haven't seen
London, but most of them would probably love to, if they had the dough.
And they'd be proud if one of their kids won a scholarship to Harvard.

I trust the American people will see through Palin, and save the
Republic in November. The most damning indictment against her is that
she considered herself a good choice to be a heartbeat away. That shows
bad judgment.

Go here

2008-09-09T21:07:00.006-04:00

In case you are wondering - I am fully on the Obama bandwagon now. I was never ever going to not vote for him in the general election - but I was holding onto my grief about Hillary. But Sarah P. changed all that. I hate her with a seething passion. Cindy McBush too (although her outfit on the front page of today's NYT was stunning).

Stupid cancer centers of america

2008-09-07T22:45:00.002-04:00

Those commercials really chap my hide - they did before someone in my family got cancer, and they do even more now that my grandpa has pancreatic cancer. I just hate the tone and the stories and the miracles promised. When I see them, I feel like I understand munchausen's (where you fake a disease for attention/caring) - they make it seem like it would be so nice for those who are absent any kind of care in their lives to get to have the kind of care and concern promised there.

Anyway - they piss me off because the care my grandpa has gotten - at one of the top hospitals in the US - has been crap.

When we first went with him to get his biopsy - I was impressed. The staff was kind and funny with him - flirty in the way that is only appropriate with a 91-year-old patient. They listened to him, helped him, listened to us - it was good care, and I felt like he was in good hands.

The doctor who did his biopsy (a gastroenterologist) acted like my grandpa was a rockstar as he had heard from the other doctors what my grandpa did for a living (let's just say he helped put man on the moon) and was awestruck. That was nice.

After that, he met with the oncologist. I wanted to go to that appointment, but there were too many people going already. It's too bad because I am used to talking with doctors at this point and also have more medical knowledge than anyone in the family at this point too (due to current job, mostly). Plus, I remember things.

The oncologist decided that he wanted to try to excise my grandpa's cancer, and to do that, he'd have to have chemo and radiation. No one in my family thought this was a good idea - my grandpa was not doing well (he collapsed twice after the biopsy, and lost bowel and bladder control during one of those episodes). As healthy as he was/is - we knew he couldn't take the chemo and radiation. We'd all seen the decline in his stamina and strength - and his will to live - whereas the oncologist just saw a healthy 91-year-old.

He began chemo and radiation 2 weeks ago (seems so much longer ago), and that same night, he had a stroke. He's had many since then - and lost control over this left side and lost sight in his left eye. He sobs now at night, and says he can't take any more of this.

He had the treatment because he believed the doctor - he believed it would prolong his life (with negligible effects on quality of life) and that there was a chance he could beat it. The doctor downplayed any potential side effects, and downplayed any kinds of risks.

The doctor also didn't do a good job of screening my grandpa. Apparently my grandpa's case was to go before a tumor board in which a panel of docs weighs in on whether or not to pursue treatment, and if so, what kind. I don't know if this occurred - but if so - I want to ask what the hell they were thinking.

His treatment was part of a clinical trial - which can be the best chance at survival for some kinds of cancers. You'd think though they'd be more cautious about who they put in the trial, given that they really want to show survival and no adverse events. But I don't know if they screened him at all.

After he began having strokes, I did some research and found not only is this particular chemo drug associated with strokes post-chemo, anyone with a history of strokes should be ruled out.

I had had suspicions that my grandpa might have been having strokes because his speech was at times slurred. I asked my mom to please ask the oncologist about it, but I don't think she did. I think he had strokes before the chemo, and that the chemo made them much worse. And here's the crux - from what I can tell, anyone with a history of strokes should NOT get this kind of chemo. A history of strokes is an exclusion criteria for some of these clinical trials, and my grandpa's cat scan showed he had had them in the past.

Now that he can no longer continue the chemo, the oncologist is pretty much having nothing to do with him (and denies that the strokes could at all be related to the chemo). The palliative care he was promised hasn't come through. It's almost like his only value to them was in being a success story in a clinical trial.

I realize that doctors are under multiple constraints and stressors - and that they have a variety of competing pressures - but why does patient care need to come at the end of the priority list?

BTW

2008-08-18T22:14:00.003-04:00

I saw this this weekend, and it was awesome.

Some turn to the bible or a self-help book - I turn to the research

2008-08-18T21:48:00.002-04:00

I realized last week that when I am distressed about something, I turn to the research. My grandfather has pancreatic cancer, and after our first doctor's appointment at Dartmouth, I have been a research fiend, learning all I can about pancreatic cancer, neoadjuvant therapies, palliative care, etc. I've written summaries of the research for family members, and done more and more research. Today my mom wrote about not being sure what to do when my grandpa is down, and I did some research on depression and pancreatic cancer and sent her some info on it (depression is more common among people with pancreatic cancer than any other cancer due to the fact that basically everyone with pancreatic cancer dies - and dies soon - the reasons for which I am happy to expound upon!).

I remember the very first time I did this. I was in a very very difficult and painful relationship. I was working at a community college at the time, and had dropped out of college. I remember going back to the library of my alma mater, which was now computerized, and using psychinfo to find psych articles on the topic. My undergrad major at that time was theatre - so how I actually figured out how to navigate psychinfo and find relevant articles eludes me.

Since then, it's what I do. Sometimes finding an article is enough, sometimes I have to print out tons and spend hours reading them. It always calms me.

I think part of me feels like if I can learn enough about something, I can cope with it. But also, I think a cocky part of me feels like if I can learn enough about something, I can solve it.

Just go herehttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

2008-07-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

One of those moments

2008-07-20T10:32:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I had one of those moments that made me reflect on the things that are making me happy right now ...

I was on the train going home, and was rewatching Dr. Horrible's Sing-along-blog (for like the 20th time for the first act) on my itouch. As i got up to go, a very cute 20somethign said to me, "Not to be creepy, but we noticed we were watching Dr. Horrible and we strongly approve of your video watching choices!"

That just struck me as adorable. As I was walking away, it made me think of what I liked about the power of the theatre when I was studying it. Good theatre has the ability to create community from strangers. A couple of months ago I saw Avenue Q when it was here, and the effects were similar. I've never seen an audience so electrified by theatre before - moreso than the audiences after Wicked! As the audience left, they were singing and laughing and talking about it. It made me so happy.

I had a similar feeling after that girls' comment. Dr. Horrible's sing-along-blog has hit me - it touches me, makes me happy, it makes me sing the songs in my head - I empathize and feel sad. I have a whole range of emotions that are evoked by it - but also a range of emotions that are reflected in it.

So as I walked away, I thought about the things that are good in my life right now. Now, given that I have to start paying my student loans this month (for a degree I was unable to obtain), I'm not the happiest person in the world (seriously! they expect you to pay HOW MUCH? And live on HOW MUCH????). But, some things are good - and here they are, from the ridiculous to the sublime:

1. Sometimes I like this city. I particularly like my neighborhood. It's funky, it's a community, it's got good food and interesting and diverse people. We've had a difficult spate of violence lately- but still the character of the neighborhood holds.

2. Part of that character is our farmer's market. I love it. It's small, but it is the best people watching in the city.

3. I kind of love the gap right now. I got a Philip Lim (for Gap) shirt there for $6.00 because it had a stain. I got it dry cleaned for $4.00. $10.00 for a Philip Lim shirt! That's awesome. And I covet this dress, and keep watching for the price to drop.

4. I love some aspects of my job. My boss has helped me really focus on the things that interest me and that I am good at. It's still a difficult and challenging workplace and despite my having brought in a lot of money in grants over the past 6 months, I only got a 1% raise (which totally sucks) - but, I'm making some nice relationships, people like and respect me, and I have some fun areas of responsibility. Plus, this week one faculty member called me a genius. Who wouldn't like that? (it was because I figured out exactly how we should frame her tenure app so that it looks really really strong - and this helps her shape her essays and everything). I think too that there is, in this job, some acceptance for who I am as a person. I think my boss accepts me despite me being kind of complicated and flawed - but well-intentioned. I think that acceptance is borne out of a great deal of self-knowledge on her own part.

5. Trader Joe's. I love it. I eat their candied ginger like it's going out of style. I love trying new things and love my tried and true favorites. A new fave is their french vanilla yogurt with bananas and walnuts. mmmmm...

6. Starbuck's vivannos. Apparently these aren't selling well, but I love them - particularly the orange mango one.

7. Food seems to be a big theme here: noodles and co's mac and cheese (add tofu, tomatoes, broccoli, and mushrooms), good avocados, chiplote's guacamole (I wish they offered baked chips instead of just fried ones), mochi (mmmmm..)

8. Mad men. What a good show -and what wardrobe inspirations! I especially appreciate how the women work to cope with and defend against the horrible sexism they face every day in the office.

9. My frye boots. I think I've mentioned before that I was born with a pretty severe birth defect that affected my feet and legs. Despite years and years of treatments, there are still long-term effects of that that cause, at times, excruciating pain. It's worse in the summer because I wear stupid shoes (ballet flats or converse) and walk more. I also think, from things from other adults with this birth defect, that it is degenerative and the constant and increasingly worsening pain is due to that. But I realized that my frye boots really help because they support my ankles, have heel that is a good height, and provide a solid sole. So I am wearing them as much as I can this summer, and the pain is much better. I love my frye boots. Although I can do without people asking me how I can wear boots in the summer.

Hie thee hither to Dr. Horrible

2008-07-16T22:18:00.001-04:00

You won't be sorry if you like evil geniuses (geniusii?) who sing ... and if you love Doogie Hower.

Cuteoverload makes me cry

2008-07-15T22:39:00.002-04:00

I mean, c'mon, how can you read/look at this and not get weepy? But I can honestly say that Icanhascheezburger has never made me cry ... until today. First it was this...

But this one totally did me in ....

Current interests and obsessions

2008-07-06T22:29:00.005-04:00

I spent much of my 4-day weekend cleaning and organizing my house. It was pretty bad - it's embarassing how bad it was, actually. I still need to clean the kitchen, and some other little pockets (like my nightstand, closets, etc.) - but overall, it's in pretty good shape. I also tried to do some little projects. I took an old corkboard, painted it purple, and stuck some nails in it along the top edge (i'll replace the nails with something more attractive soon) and hung many of my necklaces from it. One thing I like about that is being able to easily see how long each is - not to mention they are no longer tangling nor tarnishing (I had some hanging on the bathroom towel rack - but that is a bad place for them due to the steam/moisture).

I made three of these (below) for my bedroom in fuschia, red, and orange. I ran out of tissue paper, otherwise I'd have made more.

I found another project in which tissue paper was papier mached into a bowl - which I want to try next. Since I ran out of tissue paper, I tried it with some fabric by using modge podge to stick it to a balloon - I'll see in the morning how it is.

My other two projects are making a cuckoo clock out of cardboard (it was super cute before I painted it - now I dislike the paint job - so it's on hold) and renovating a doll house. I found a 4-room dollhouse at a garage sale. It's wood and in pretty good shape (albeit filthy). I plan to (after I clean it) make each room a different color (red, fuschia, green, blue) by painting each and putting up wallpaper (groovy paper) and then just use it as decoration. This is my inspiration:

There's an old wooden drop leaf table sitting in the backyard right now - you have no idea how much I want to sneak out and "disappear" it to my kitchen! :) I found an old oriental rug that had been abandoned last week - which is now in my library.

I got these shoes at my thrift store last weekend. Shoe prices aren't marked - but I think they were less than $5.00. They are in perfect shape - worn some, but you can only tell by the bottoms. They came with the little shoe keeper thing in them - so their previous owner took very very good care of them.

The black part is a sheer fabric...With embroidered letters!

they fit, but my feet are too wide for them - I'm sure I'd tear the fabric on the first wearing. But I certainly couldn't leave them there! They're made by an italian maker - I tried research how much they might have cost, and how old they are - but was unable to.

So, I need to find a new good home for them ... Today when I was at that thrift store again, I realized that in my head when I saw a really good piece of clothing that wouldn't fit me or that wasn't my style, I would say, "I hope someone good adopts it" or "I hope it gets adopted soon." What a freak I am.

Currently I am completely obsessed with finding a dress like this one:

From Fashionist.

I've been working far too hard, far too many days a week, and far too many hours a day. It was good to take an extra day off and just focus on my home. I also have been cooking - tofu tacos for a couple of days, and couscous today (with garbanzos, lime, feta, tomatoes, and lime - and this time I added a little ginger - I'm obsessed with ginger lately - and live on trader joe's candied ginger), and that feels good too.

It's supposed to be humid tomorrow. I hate having to figure out what to wear in humidity! I got a linen shirtdress from my thrift store today that I had hoped I could wear. I let out a dart in the waist, and the waist fits me perfectly now - but it is too small in the hips. ARGH!

Part of the burst of cleaning too is because my mom is coming. We've just learned that my grandfather (my mom's dad) is dying - and has a few months to live. Although he is 91, it really is unexpected. We all thought he'd outlive all of us. My mom is going to drive cross country to go stay with him until the end. She'll stop here and I'll go with her to his house and stay there for a week. This has required not only cleaning, but also shorts buying (because everyone there is very sportif!) and swimsuit contemplation. This is the one I want:

Very cute, no? I've not tried it on yet - so I have no idea if it will be at all flattering (it's from urban outfitters, by the way). I got three pairs of bermuda shorts. There's something about a fitted bermuda short with a wide waistband that is super flattering. I almost want to wear them every day!

Academics, share your horror stories (or any stories, really)

2008-04-30T22:26:00.002-04:00

One of my tasks at work is handling all the scheduling and details of faculty interviews/job talks. Seeing it from this side has been really ..... interesting. I'm surprised at how very unresponsive some candidates are (how many times do I need to ask for your recent articles?) and how unprepared (what do you mean you have no CV made yet?). I'm surprised at how they behave (snapping at me isn't so cool, dude - I'm your main contact and helper) and some of the entitlement (room service three times a day on top of 3 meals a day? being late for your first meeting because room service hasn't brought your breakfast yet???).

I may just be an administrator, but my experiences of the faculty do have some weight. How one candidate interacted with me kind of had some consequences for how that person was evaluated. As anxiety-provoking as it is to have one's every behavior watched, they really are, and from my perspective it's good to treat every representative of a department courteously. It helps us see what kind of colleague you might be. Of course, if you've got 35 NIH grants by the age of 30 and awards for your teaching or clinical work, well obviously that gets weighed far more heavily. But we do like the total package.

I'm curious to hear stories from your angle - how departments treat you, what helps, what doesn't - what you've appreciated, what has been problematic. I think I go above and beyond because I overidentify with the interviewee/faculty recruit perspective, and I don't know that being as helpful as I am is actually all that appreciated. I may smother our candidates a little. :)

It'd be an interesting dynamic, if it were happening to someone else

2008-04-26T13:29:00.003-04:00

My boss blew us at me again this week. There are two aspects of it that intellectually I find interesting.

1. Bystander effect.
This was the first time anyone in the office said anything to me afterwards. Usually, people act like nothing happened even though it's a small office and I know they all know. This time someone (who is new to our office, and thus this is likely their first time witnessing my boss' anger directed at me) asked me if I was okay. I burst into tears and had to leave. no one else said anything. I had to ask our receptionist to do something for me, and she would not even look at me or speak to me. The two times I know my boss has yelled at someone other than me, I have said something to them afterwards - because I know what it's like to experience the anger in isolation.

I think people don't say anything for a variety of reasons:
a. they don't want to seem disloyal to our boss
b. they are so glad it's me and not them
c. maybe they feel a little guilty?
d. they are secretly glad it is me, period
e. they don't know what to say

But it creates a really difficult situation being yelled at and feeling humiliated and feeling like everyone must think I deserve it, that I did something horribly wrong, and that my boss hates me (which my boss does not - at all).

2. Fear in locating the blame.
On my way to work the next day, I realized that all of my negative reactions to the incident were directed inwards. It felt too threatening to locate any of the blame on my boss. It was as though even considering that my boss was in the wrong would have some horrific aftermath. And in some ways it would because I might then feel as though I needed to act on that, or say something - and that could potentially be disastrous.

It's kind of all intellectually interesting because an article I wrote in my last semester of grad school was rejected. It was about the process through which women come to be in abusive relationships - the process that abusers seem to use to gain control and maintain control and silence in abused women. As I live through this with my boss, I see so many of my assertions in the article coming true. I'm going through a process that is not at all unlike what I described in that paper - and realizing this causes multiple reactions in me. Partly I'm pissed off the article was rejected as it is clear to me now that I was actually really on the right track with it.

relatedly, my mom is mad because that same day she emailed me asking for advice for a co-worker whose son is going through a divorce and the child is having a rough time. I didn't respond, and she left me a nasty voicemail yesterday. In my defense, please see above - and also, it has been months (literally) since I have responded to a non-work email (I'm so sorry, Lucy of pigpuppet fame). I've been isolating at work and at home really pretty seriously.

It's likely not a positive sign when you are envious of a serial killer

2008-04-08T22:57:00.003-04:00

So often when I read research on humans with which I identify, I always fit the minority group - the characteristic that only applies to less than 1% of the population is always the characteristic that fits me best. If you cross all those less than 1%s, that makes me like only approximately .000000000000001% of the population. That kind of sucks.

And not only do I feel like there are only a handful of people out in the entire world who might understand or appreciate me, I am also often convinced I am the absolutely worst person in the whole world. And I'm not being hyperbolic in that statement, I really do often believe that (as do less than 1% of you out there too, I'm guessing).

I'm particularly convinced of that lately. Stuff at work tends to get stuck in my head (see last post) and i take the strength of people's reactions to me as being equivalent to my level of horribleness. The last angry outburst at work may have been over something pretty minor, but it was a big blow up. This then indicates to me that I must be really hugely horrible.

Last week, I had a mini breakdown at work. I just started crying and couldn't stop - my boss was trying hard to console me, but I was pretty unconsolable. I just can't understand why I: a) suck as much as I do; and b) evoke such strong and negative reactions in other people.

She told me I really have to just accept myself and just be myself rather than trying so hard to adjust in reaction to others' negative reactions. Easier said than done when you get as much negative feedback as I do. One of my co-workers apparently said that I was "weird" and that she'd never worked with anyone like me. I don't even know what to do with that.

And this is where the title of this post will make sense (if anything here makes sense, that is).

I've been bingewatching Dexter lately. I started watching it on network tv, really liked it, and got the dvds from netflix (and then found a creative means for getting season 2). As terrifying as it is, I found myself really identifying with him - the sense of isolation, the fear of getting close, avoiding people, fearing being honest and real, feeling like a monster or leper, feeling different and like no one could really understand or like you if they really knew.

I envy him though. He had a dad who really saw him and didn't reject him (at least not when Dexter was young). He saw that Dexter had something inside him that made him kill, he accepted that in his son and worked with his son to live with it and channel it into something not good, but at least better. He worked with Dexter to help Dexter fit in, feel okay, be okay, survive, and to live a normal life.

I'm envious of that for sure. I think life would be easier if my parents had seen me and accepted me as is - and had helped me to adapt to life, rather than believing I was someone else, or should be someone else .... and making me feel like a misfit (and a mis fit).

I have more to say that I think would kind of bring this together, but I'm sick of my internal monologue right now, so I bid adieu.

And I kept meaning to answer to a comment to my last post - I don't have aspergers, but that doesn't stop me from often wondering if I do.

How do you let it out at work?

2008-03-25T22:29:00.002-04:00

I got in huge trouble last week at work - yelled at, cursed at .... it was the week from hell because I had had to work between 16-20 hours a day and was thus getting 1-4 hours of sleep a night. We had a huge event all last week, and I got saddled with basically being in charge of everything. I had to deal with the public for all of those 16-20 hours a day - replete with all of their demands and complaints about how things were being run (over which I had no control). To top it off, staff and the big boss blamed me for every little thing. I'm the office scapegoat right now, apparently - and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

And why did I get in huge trouble? I complained. By thursday, I had just had it - I was exhausted, overwhelmed, depleted, and felt like everything I did was wrong and bad. I just started venting because I felt unsupported by our management and really not well treated.

And my complaints got back to my boss, and I got yelled at.

I feel like whenever I make a mistake, it becomes some huge thing. Others seem to get a lot of leeway when they make mistakes - they couldn't do any better, they don't know better, they are under stress -- whatever. There are always extenuating circumstances. But with me, I'm expected to just always do better.

After I got yelled at, I got a long email from my boss reiterating what I had done wrong (which I got in the middle of my long, stressful shift). She then came over and iterated it again. Over the weekend I got yet another email, and today I got another talking to.

I waffle so much - on the one hand, I feel deeply ashamed for what I did. I should not complain to my co-workers - I should suck it up and just focus on the work. When I complain, it causes huge problems.

On the other hand, I think - who around me isn't complaining? My boss complains to me all the time. Other staff do as well. They all complain to each other. I was exhorted to be more professional - but I don't see examples of modeling of professional behavior anywhere around me. Is yelling and cursing at me and calling me "a little shit" and example of professional behavior? Telling me that my coworkers are stupid - is that professional?

Mostly, I feel like total crap at my job. The big boss still hates me (and my boss continues to tell me what he says about me, which hurts like hell)- despite how hard I worked last week. I make so many mistakes, and it makes me feel incompetent. I feel like an absolute failure in terms of my abilities at work, and my interpersonal failings. At times like this, I feel absolutely hopeless of ever finding a job and a work environment where I am ok. I feel like I must suck so much, that I will never fit in anywhere.

And I know - I need a new job. I'm looking - it's not easy. I also really have a need to make things work here.

So, here's my question to you all - when you get upset, when you feel frustrated, when you feel hurt - what do you do? How do you manage feelings at work? Do you complain to co-workers? Do the things you say to co-workers ever leaked? Right now, all I want to do is just hide in my office and not interact with people anymore because everything I do is so wrong (I was also told that my jokes are not okay because they get misinterpreted, and that actually a lot of what I say is misinterpreted).

What exactly would be the healthy response to this?

2008-03-05T21:49:00.002-05:00

Your boss pulls you aside and informs you that the big boss all of a sudden loathes you - everything about you is horrible - how you act, how you write - how you talk - it's all bad. Basically, he wants to fire you (despite the fact that less than 2 months ago, he gave you a mid-year raise, which is unheard of - esp one over 10% and also despite the fact that just 2 months ago he told you he wished every person in the department was more like you).

Now, suddenly, he wants you out. He wants you to be fired, and cannot tolerate your existence any more. You are told to lay low and to not interact with him for a month or so - when all of this will "blow over." Oh, and if you tell anyone about this, he will find out and you will be fired.

I was told today that getting anxious and concerned was "not a healthy response." Honestly, I think the only healthy response is to say, "f*&# it!" and get a job at starbucks. But let's say you've been applying for other jobs to no avail and need this job to survive, what's the healthy response then?

I'll tell you one thing, deciding not to work 10-14 hour days and not to work 7 days a week anymore is likely a healthier response. Let's see if I can stop panicking enough to not feel like I have to kill myself to get things done in order to not get canned.

Whee!

Gosh, could there be sexism in how the campaign is covered?

2008-03-04T07:32:00.001-05:00

From yesterday's national news (one was said right after the other):

"Obama is drawing record crowds in Texas..."

"Clinton is selling herself in Texas ..."

This is what bugs me about Obama

2008-02-24T18:04:00.002-05:00

Today NIU is having a memorial service for the students killed almost 2 weeks ago. Apparently Barack Obama will be there, and of course Dick Durbin will be as well.

Where has Obama been for all the other Illinois events since he became our Senator? What exactly has he done for our state since we elected him to office? Dick Durbin is the one on the news all the time going to events, showing support to groups and victims, trying to pass legislation to reflect Illinois concerns, speaking out about Illinois concerns ... Whereas, quite frankly, it seems like the entire time Obama has been our senator, he has been campaigning to be president. He's been focused on making an impression on the nation, not on Illinois. He's more concerned about using his position to get to the white house, not to affect change in our state. This pisses me off.

And I can't believe that this isn't being brought up more.

What have you done for us lately, Obama?

Since I've outed myself anyway...

2008-02-16T22:06:00.002-05:00

(see post below), I will say that I am so sick of the freezing cold. I'm sick of snow on the sidewalks, I'm sick of ice, I'm sick of having to make sure I am wearing shoes that won't slip on ice and snow, I'm sick of slipping and sliding and falling ... and I hate every single person who has failed to shovel their sidewalks.

I am not sick of winter, per se - just the painful side effects of a very very cold winter.

And speaking of, I may have gotten frostbite on my hands last weekend. I'm not really sure. My hands have been having major freakouts lately - my palms were covered for a few weeks with painful, itchy bumps. My boss said they might have been hives (due to stress). It then turned into feeling like my hands had been burned, they scarred over and were painful and very sensitive. Then on monday, it looked like I had some flesh-eating virus - the skin was being eaten away. Now they just again feel like they've been burned, with some weird nerve stuff, and the skin is a little crispy. Does this sound like anything?

Also, does anyone have recs for a really really good balm for hands? Nothing seems to be working to resoften the skin.

And yes, I know I ought to have seen a doctor.

Please excuse my insensitivity today...

2008-02-16T13:30:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I made a very bad joke about going on a shooting rampage. In light of the shootings at NIU, it was clearly not in good taste - and the reaction I got clearly validated that. I was thinking afterwards about why I made the joke - am I that insensitive? Am I inured to school shootings? Why did I say what I did?

I don't think I'm insensitive, but I may well be inured to school shootings - there have been so many, and they are horrific - and sometimes it's just too much. I may also have way too much empathy for a grad student who goes on a shooting rampage, given my own experience in grad school.

But, I was also thinking about what I was also mulling over that very morning before my uncalled for joke ...

On my way to work I was getting annoyed at the media coverage of the event. On the local news, they brought in an expert on child psychology who was asked to speak to how to help kids/young adults cope with learning about the school shootings. The idea was that there is some sort of collateral psychological damage to young people who may learn about these shootings, and the newscasters wanted to learn about how to prevent that, I guess.

And I was thinking yesterday morning that we never hear any concerns about collateral psychological damage when there is gang violence - why not ask experts how to help kids in areas where there is neighborhood or gang violence?

I'm going to confess that I don't live in NYC - I live in Chicago. I don't mind regular readers knowing that, but after today I will go back to pretending I live in NYC for greater anonymity and to avoid people searching for chicago and ending up here.

We have a lot of violence in this city - especially in poor neighborhoods, and especially in those that are both poor and are predominantly african-american or hispanic. The only time neighborhood violence gets any real attention is when it is in a rich or white neighborhood. Yet, we lose far more people to gang and neighborhood or interpersonal violence in this city each year than we do to school shootings.

Yet, I never see experts being asked, "How do we help kids who live in Englewood deal with the fact that they likely hear gunshots on a regular basis, likely know someone who has died due to violence, may have witnessed violence themselves, and may even have been victims?"

I can't even imagine that question being posed.

And this makes me think that for too many people, violence is simply a part of the landscape. Over the past year, I have been really pretty overwhelmed by the issue of violence against women in this state (much of which has made national news - like the Peterson case). How many women have gone missing in Illinois in the past 12 months? How many women have been killed by husbands, partners, boyfriends (like all these women who keep getting found dead in the forest preserves)? How many women have been targeted due to the fact that they are simply women (the women killed at the Lane Bryant)?

How many women? I seriously don't even want to try to count.

We have a huge problem in this state (country? world?) - and that is for many of us - perhaps particularly women and african americans, I think, we live with the threat of violence much of the time.* Since moving to chicago, I've personally had to deal with the threat of violence multiple times (I may experience it more than others since i don't drive). Some of this I've blogged about - but on at least a monthly basis, if I don't respond the way a male (stranger male) thinks I ought, I get at the very least called a bitch, and at the worst I get threatened with rape.** This kind of thing wears on a person. And I know that there are places in the city where the threat of violence is far more everpresent and immediate, and there are people who are targeted far more than I am.

And I have to ask - why does this kind of violence not get the attention (and intervention) it needs? Why do I never see anyone in the media making the connections between all of these cases of murdered and missing women in this state? Why is no one asking what is wrong with us that so many people have to live with/like this? Why does no one investigate the sexism and racism that undergirds so much of the violence we see?

Yes, college students deserve to be safe - but so do we all. School shootings are stunning and clearly the are tragic and the victims wholly innocent -- but why can't we muster that same sense of outrage and concern for victims of all kinds of violence?

* and this makes me annoyed that neither of our democratic presidential candidates really ever speak to this.

** the most recent time this occurred was when I was walking to the train after our work holiday party right before christmas. I was in bad shape as I'd just had a tumor removed and biopsied that day (benign), and I was in pain and exhausted. A man came up to me and was offended that I walked away from him and he graphically threatened to rape me in an extremely violent, and painful manner.

As seen at Dr. Four Eyes

2008-02-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

I actually do use a mug that requires two hands ....

You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky.

Is it just me...

2008-02-07T07:22:00.000-05:00

or are the Huckabee supporters at his rallies kind of a creepy looking group?

Which is worse in a workplace?

2008-01-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

Yelling or crying?

I'm curious, what do you think?

Hillary needs me.

2008-01-23T07:20:00.000-05:00

But first, I don't mean to keep dumping on Obama because if he won the nomination - I'd support him to the ends of the earth, but he keeps frustrating and annoying me. The latest is that on the news this a.m., they showed clips of a fundraiser he held, and it looks like the female wait staff wore skimpy tank tops that said "Obama girl" on them. Now, it's possible they did this without his approval or knowledge - but if he in any way sanctioned that, I find that beyond tacky, and objectifying.

Why Hillary needs me: she needs some help in learning how to attack without looking like she is attacking. I'm glad she is being more pointed and direct with Obama and calling him on his speciousness and the inconsistencies in his record, but she ends up looking a little mean at times, because Obama really does engender a lot of warmth and liking in his audience, even if they don't support him.

She needs a shrink to teach her how to ask pointed questions with a curious tone, and to just vaguely point out the inconsistencies in a way that appears puzzled rather than mean. Shrinks learn a lot of hedge words and tones to help do this, and I think she needs to just be a bit more dispassionate and get the evidence out there, and let us make sense out of it.

Riddle me this...

2008-01-20T12:01:00.000-05:00

What is it in relationships that causes you to lash out the most (and worst) at the people you love the most?

Is it because we expect so much more from them, and then if they make mistakes, it feels like it hurts so much more?

Is it simply because the emotions associated with those people are so much more intense that our reactions are just larger in general? Thus what might vaguely annoy us in someone with whom we have a more blah or distant relationship becomes more intense simply by virtue of the intensity of the relationship?

And what about when you are really angry about something else - or someone else - but the person we love most gets the brunt of our anger -they become the target, even though they really aren't?

Anger in my own close relationships is something I don't understand on an emotional level ... I don't understand why it occurs, how to react to it, what's normal anger and what's not-so-okay anger, when it becomes harmful in some objective sense and not simply because anger directed at me by someone I love devastates me....

I'm curious as to others' reactions to and experiences with anger in relationships...

Help me feel better about my job...

2008-01-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

and tell me horror stories about your own jobs, or jobs you've had (note: stories about annoying undergrads do not count!).

===> edited to add: you guys are the best! I totally feel better because at least no one is rubbing up on me, and I am not standing in sewage! I was thinking it would be great to get more more more! So if you want to (would be willing to) link to this from your own blog, maybe I'll have a contest for the best horrible job story.

Here are my current stressors:

1. I was promised a raise by boss, told I deserved raise by supervisor, then supervisor said I didn't deserve raise, then went to HR to see if raise could happen, but now boss is denying raise was ever promised.
2. In the meantime, I have taken on the jobs of 1.5 people.
3. My supervisor took on the other .5 job, and is planning on delegating most of that to me.
4. which means I will be doing the job of 3 people.
5. for less money than anyone else.
6. because apparently I have no real skills (omg, writing that is making me cry - it hurt so much when she said that).
7. my supervisor is refusing to train me in doing these new jobs (one of which is very high stress and high profile), and will not help me if I have questions.
8. big boss promised to train me, but is not doing so. i'm terrified it will be trial by fire, and that will break me, because I am a perfectionist and desperate to please, and because:
9. I am the recipient of a lot - a hell of a lot - of anger in this workplace. It's bad enough big boss and, more devastatingly, my supervisor get SOOOOOOO angry at me for making errors, asking questions, for not talking quickly enough, for not .... for ..... you get the picture - everything I do is wrong. But of late, the receptionist has been yelling at me and getting angry at me. It is inappropriate (I am her superior), and I don't know how much longer I can take any of it.

no advice, just stories (or empathy or whatever).

wait - why did michigan not change its primary to later given that they don't get democratic delegates? is that primary just worthless for the democrats?

Someone should take this on as a challenge...

2008-01-14T07:46:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I had to call fed ex and see if they would fix a mistake made in shipping. The mistake was ours (but NOT MINE!) and I needed to see if fed ex would ship the package that was sitting in their warehouse.

As I was talking to the very unhelpful customer service dude, I flashed onto a commercial of their that highlights how they exemplify service - and points to all the ways they go above and beyond to get packages to their destinations, no matter what.

My experience with them would not make that commercial.

Then the other day I watched that annoying US Cellular commercial where that young woman is talking about having gone to college, which caused her to have to leave behind (and alone) her father who cannot read. She says he took his bill to US cellular because he couldn't read it - and the woman there now meets with him whenever he wants to go through his mail.

There's also a series of commercials for a drugstore where the pharmacists claim to do all sorts of personal tasks for people (like go to their homes, help them with medicare, etc.).

What would the sales people at US cellular do if I brought all my bills in for their help?

I think it would be awesome if some blogger took this on - took on all of these companies and these claims and tested how they responded when you do the things they say they do/have done in the service of helping customers.

Not sure of the logic behind this....

2008-01-13T16:55:00.000-05:00

Why on earth - in the middle of winter - is McDonald's introducing a sweet (iced) tea? Who among my readers is having a hankering for iced tea?

I must also note that their plan to put espresso bars in McDonald's makes me no more inclined to go there. Frankly, if my baristas do not appear super skilled and knowledgeable about coffee and the care and feeding of coffee addicts, then I don't want an espresso drink from them. I want my baristas to know how to make good foam, to know about temperatures, to care about the coffee drinks they are making ... and I highly doubt that Micky D's baristas will be well-trained enough nor paid enough to do so.

What motivates you in an absence of passion?

2008-01-07T20:52:00.000-05:00

What demotivates you?

I'm not ready to talk about what I do for a living now, but I'll say that despite my best efforts, I am still in academia. I'm not in a position that is in my field, for which I have any passion, nor that I think will lead to anything that arouses any kind of passion in me. It is a job ... not my life's work. And that makes me very sad.

Thus, it is hard to connect to it, to find a way to embrace it, and to "make it work" (to quote Tim Gunn). I take pride in being a hard worker and throwing myself into things, and it's hard to find a way to have a relationship to this job that encourages that.

In the absence of work that arouses passion in me, I tend to find myself motivated by relationships. This has always been the case ... I don't care about the work or the greater good of the work, but I do care about the people, or a person, and doing everything I can to please them.

This is a vulnerable place when those relationships falter (and when you work with people who have big tempers, that happens a lot), but it's what I do.

I don't tend to be motivated by money - but I do like money because I have been poor for so long, and I want to be comfortable and not have to worry about how to pay my bills, and whether or not I can afford my new favorite starbucks drink (soy chai with cinnamon dolce syrup in it - yummy!!!). And all those years of being poor have caused me to have to keep using things that have broken down, and I need/want to replace them. And, I want to go to China.

Last week on my job I was offered a sort of downward move position-wise, but with a pay raise. We lost an employee, and filling that position has been hellish. The big head honcho guy asked me to take the position, and offered me an $8000 year raise.

The head honcho guy tried wooing me like crazy, but I turned him down for a variety of reasons. At that same time, he promised me a raise as I think he'd been unaware of how little I make, and I had become aware of the salary of a new employee - in the same job title as me (working in a different area), but $5k more a year than me, and I also learned that his second choice for the position for which he was trying to woo me was offered $8k more than I was - that's $16k more than I make now!!!

I also know that someone who does far less work than I, but has a better title, an office, and similar job duties to me makes more than twice what I make. It's clear some people are just so much better at negotiating and at understanding or conveying or inflating their worth.

When I pointed this out to him, he kept saying, "You're not motivated by money, are you?" as though that is a horrible thing (for the record, I make less than $40k a year, and he makes - I think - more than 500k - maybe a mill a year? I've been told, but I can't recall).

As I noted, I'm not motivated by money - but boy howdy, am I ever demotivated by pay differentials!

Right now, I feel pretty crappy about the whole thing - and feel as though all the work I do (and I work damned hard) and all the care and thought and attention I pay (a hell of a lot) are worthless.

Yet, at the same time, I know that my skills are far harder to obtain than are those who are getting these higher paying jobs. I do a weird collection of jobs in my position - and my friends have noted you almost need a PhD to do what I do (or perhaps better yet - an almost PhD)(here's a hint on one task - those dossiers some of you are freaking out about? I make them for our faculty, and I'm damned good at it). Yet, I'm worth less than someone who has been a secretary for 10 years?

And so today, I found myself challenged to find a way to work. I felt demotivated, disengaged, and down. I have to find a way to reconnect and motivate in '08 (why is that not an ad slogan??? motivate in '08!)!

As always, empathy and support are welcome - but I'm not seeking help or advice, I'm just talking.

(note: The raise I was promised likely won't happen because it wasn't offered in front of my supervisor (had it been, she would have made it happen), and because some other things happened in the meantime that I think made obsolete that offer (can't go into specifics). ).

Good point, Hill!

2008-01-07T08:15:00.000-05:00

Hillary was just interviewed by George Stephanopolous on Good Morning America. One of her points about Obama, with which I agree, is that he has not gone up against the republican machine. We have no idea how he will withstand that, and thus far he has rested on his own opinions of his work rather than an attack machine poring over his record. Can he, his public perception, and Obamamania survive that?

We know Hillary can, and I think Edwards has been in the public eye long enough to survive it too.

I'm overwhelmed again by strong sentiments of how awesome it would be to have a woman president (and NK, I wholeheartedly agree that as a woman candidate, she is between a rock and a hard place and cannot move in any direction without being called shrill or emotional or angry or whatever). I watched Chelsea a bit during the debate and wondered what it would be like to watch your MOM run for President. I hope Chelsea is proud.

An odd foray back into blogging?

2008-01-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

We'll save the backstory for the hiatus for another day ... if at all... but for now, a bit of politics. And parents...

I talked with my mother this afternoon, from which I have to take a break as she is much crueler to me after I've seen her - she has more information about me with me to hurt me.

We talked about the presidential candidates, and I noted that I have had a hard time deciding who I want to vote for. I adore John Edwards, but have some reservations about his electability (I would vote for him in a heartbeat if I could put down a second choice) and some (rightly or wrongly) worries about his wife and her health and the impact that would have on his presidency. I love the idea of a woman president (and have mused previously here on the blog much surprise that in this election my favorite is a white male!), and there is much to like about Hillary - an I thought she was fairly charming tonight, when she wasn't going after Obama.

And Obama ... he's beautiful, but I don't know that he has what I want in a president. I noted to my mother that I felt disappointed when he took the lead in Iowa, and she told me I ought not let the fact that he snubbed me when I met him color my opinion of him.

First of all, that's not what I am not a supporter of him -- I don't support him because of his denigratory views on welfare, because of his arrogance, because of the fact that he is untested in national politics, because I have no sense of what he has actually done politically that has done any good, because he threw his hat into the presidential election shortly after being elected to the senate, which chaps my hide. I wish he'd waited a term and then had run - had given himself - and us - a chance to see what he can do. What has he done? What has he done for his state? I know far more about Chris Dodd's achievements than I do about Obama's!

At the same time, I don't know that my "hurt" over being snubbed by him is necessarily a bad reason to not support him. When I met him, he was very close to throwing his hat in the ring ... so he was unofficially stumping for himself. When I met him, it was very very very clear that he was interested in two groups of people: college students and people of color. He quite literally didn't "deign" to speak to anyone who he didn't think fit those two demographic groups. That bothers me - a lot. As he and I spoke, it was clear he was far more interested in the next person in line to talk to him - a college student. Why am I - and my demographic - unimportant to him? That concerns me, actually, about what issues will be of import to him in his presidency.

I have to say, I wish that all primaries were run like the Iowa caucuses ... they look super fun to me.

Comic break

2007-07-29T12:59:00.000-04:00

I'd say this is a time when therapy is clearly contraindicated!

Horrors in the Target pet aisle

2007-07-29T01:21:00.001-04:00

When I was at target the other day, I stopped in the pet aisle. I'd really like to get stinkerbelle a little kitten cave or tunnel where she could hide out - although I can't afford it. But, I keep checking at target to see what they have. I walked to another aisle and saw an entire display of cat "bonnets" like the one above. I can't even remember all the ones they had.

I then sort of took a look at my surroundings, and realized I was in HELL.

One side of the aisle was all for "girls" and one side was for "boys." And by boys and girls, I do mean pets. They even had these little bunting-like gift baskets in either pink or blue (baby blue) that said "it's a boy" or "it's a girl." FOR PETS. The girls' aisle was covered with girly dressed, tiaras, matchy matchy beds and blankets and leashes and collars. There was a lilac terry cloth halter dress - for a dog - that made me want to cry. The "boy" clothes were in blues and greens and camo - suits, raincoats, football jersys ... you name it.

Although I kind of think pet clothes are funny - and my dog growing up had to ensure my having put many outfits on him - I think the genderizing of pets is really terrifying. It really speaks to our need to genderize just about everything - to categorize things that really don't need to be categorized - and to assign characteristics to them.

Sure, stinkerbelle is a girl - but given that her mom was raised in the 70s, she's been raised fairly gender aschematically. Stinkerbelle knows that when she grows up, she can be a ballet dancer, a plumber, a pope, a professor, a doctor, a photographer, a firefighter - anything! Any door is open to her. I've encouraged her to be assertive and to ask for what she wants - directly. She knows that all feelings are okay - and that she doesn't need a man (or a woman) to complete her. She has choices and demonstrates a great deal of gender flexibility, and I'm proud of her for that.

I'd love to see a study of people with their pets and see if people treat male and female pets differently - it they attribute different things to girl vs. boy dogs. There's a famous classroom experiment in which the prof brought in two babies and their moms - and she had the students describe each of the children (they were like 6 months old). The girl was described using stereotypically feminine characteristics like "pretty" and the boy was described with stereotypically masculine characteristics like "strong." The prof then asks what it would be like if they switched the clothes of the kids - how that would be. The students said it would be weird - cross-dressing babies. The clothes were switched, and the prof revealed that the baby they had thought was a girl was actually a boy, and vice versa. The students were astounded - the way the child was dressed completely affected their perceptions of the babies. Of babies! they are barely even exposed to gendered socialization at this age!

So, I'd like to see something like this done with pets. Plus, parents of human children tend to treat boys and girls very differently (like they talk more to girls - especially more emotion talk), and I'd be curious if that extends to furry critters.

Can't we all just get along?

2007-07-28T16:58:00.000-04:00

I heard on the news that a bunch of towns/cities have outlawed the sale of bottled water. I think this is ridiculous and would be outraged if that were to occur here. I understand that there are grave concerns about the actual bottles and that water bottles are not recyclable - and further that the manufacturing of the bottles is really bad too. And these both have significant implications for the earth's health, and relate to global warming.

However, I would imagine that bottled water has done wonders for getting people to drink water - and the easy availability of it has allowed people to choose water over soda or not so healthy juices. I honestly doubt that the effect of outlawing bottled water will be to encourage people to bring their own water from home, or to drink more tap water at home. I may be wrong - someone should study this. My hunch is that if bottled water is outlawed, people will instead drink sodas and juices, not tap water. They will buy a bottle of diet coke at the 7-11 if they are thirsty rather than acting preventatively by bringing a bottle from home to fill from a tap.

Personally, I re-use my water bottles over an over - likely unhealthily, actually. I don't own a good water bottle - mostly because I find them hard to keep clean (due to my being a slob), hard to keep period (I lose stuff constantly), and hard to clean well without a dish washer. I also do buy a decent amount of bottled water - because I often forget to bring an old bottle - and I need to drink constantly when I teach or do other things that cause me any kind of anxiety. Plus, I love those aquafina flavored waters (taste like jello!), vitamin waters, and those new tropicana grapefruit waters. At home, I only drink tap water.

So here's my solution - water machines. At whole foods there is a water machine thingy with filtered from which you can fill your own jugs. These should be put into restaurants, convenience stores, etc. Except, there should be 12 ounce (or whatever) recycled bottles available (for a small fee) that maybe are kind of cool to encourage re-use, and some sort of a discount if you bring our own container. Moreover, you should have flavor choices. Some water filter company has made an ingenious product that allows you to put a flavor filter in your water filter (the kind you attach to your faucet), so maybe that could be used in the water machine.

I don't think the desire for bottled water is going away any time soon - and I think in terms of health, it ought not. It's interesting that outlawing foods seems to be such a trend - foie gras, certain kinds of fats, water ... what's next? Personally, I would like to outlaw anything stinky on the subway - any kind of stinky food. I would also like to outlaw the use of eggs as a "vegetarian" option. Starbucks has some new sandwiches and salads - and their so-called vegetarian sandwich is an egg salad. Yuck! If people want to eat eggs, fine. If places want to serve eggs, fine. But, not everyone considers eggs to be vegetarian, and they ought not be *the* vegetarian option.

A netflix hack

2007-07-26T13:51:00.000-04:00

If there is a movie you really want to see, but it has a "long wait" or "very long wait," there's a way to force them to send it to you. First try putting it at the top (#1) of your queue asap. Sometimes that works.

If not, create a second queue (I opened one in stinkerbelle's name) and assign one slot to that (so if you are on a two-at-a-time plan, assign one film to your main queue, and one to your alternate) and put only one film (the one you want) in that queue.

I did that two days ago, and miraculously, they found a copy of the film and it's being sent to me.

The Golden Compass trailer

2007-07-26T00:37:00.001-04:00

I want to see this so badly as I just finished the book tonight. The film looks gorgeous - but it's not out till december! Waah!

Now onto the Amish

2007-07-25T19:31:00.000-04:00

Netflix only has a couple movies about mormons, so I am having to watch other kinds of films. Last night I saw Devil's playground, which is about rumspringa - the time that occurs when amish kids turn 16 and are allowed to explore the world of the '"english" (us). The purpose is to allow them to get some of their desire to see the world outside of the Amish out of their systems, and to give them a chance to choose to join the church and be baptized (they don't believe in baptizing babies- they think that people should choose to be baptized - or something like that).

The amish group in the documentary seem to be a more liberal - less encapsulated grouup of Amish. This makes sense given that they actually allowed the filmmaker to live with them and document things for 2 years. Thus, even though it isn't necessarily representative of all Amish, it is still instructive and interesting.

I struggle a lot with my feelings about that religion, which I won't go into here, except for one piece. The Amish believe that children should not be educated beyond the 8th grade, and are only educated (typically) by Amish teachers in amish schools (one room schools) among other amish children. They believe that education beyond that age causes people to become prideful.

At first I was really pleasantly surprised that they allowed kids to freely choose whether or not to join the church - it seemed to me to be a really good model and a supportive one. What concerns me about this, however, is that if indeed at age 16 kids really do have the freedom to choose to join the church or not (those who don't join the church are allowed to stay in contact with the community, and are not shunned for not joining - you are shunned if you join and then leave - as happened to one of the young women in the film), only being educated to 8th grade is a set-up to make them *have* to join the church. After all, living among the "english" with only an 8th grade education really leaves few to no opportunities - especially for girls. The boys at least seem to learn some sort of trade that is marketable and that affords them the skills to get a decent job. Girls seem to only be prepared for motherhood, and as such have few skills to allow them to make a living.

And let's say they want to get further educated - what are their options if they have no schooling past 8th grade and are older than age 16? One young woman was able to go to college without having ever gone to high school, which I'd imagine is pretty rare.

Further, being so isolated makes it hard for them to live among the "english." Although it seems as though the kids in this film were somewhat anomalous in how wild they went in their rumspringa - I can imagine that living among us heathens for the first time - with little to no exposure to our lifestyles beforehand - could really be overwhelming and that they would likely 9especially in the teen years) take a path that is not likely good for them (like one boy in the film began dealing drugs and became addicted).

It interested me too that the boys tend to - during rumspringa - dress "english" and drive cars, whereas the girls wear their traditional clothing. It's a bit odd (anachronistic) to see amish girls in their bonnets and dresses getting drunk and dancing.

It's a good film - I recommend it highly.

Hello yummy dinner!

2007-07-25T19:18:00.000-04:00

I have been craving barbecued tofu lately, so I made it tonight. OMG! It was fabulous. If you are ever interested in trying tofu, or if you like tofu already, I highly recommend using trader joe's original barbecue sauce - it is slightly spicy and super yummy. Just make sure you make your tofu the way ianqui says to, as it really is the only way to make tofu. I then put the barbecued tofu in a flour tortilla with some avocado and lettuce, and had some baked potato wedges (also trader joes') on the side. Trust me, it is worth trying.

edited to add: also, tofu is on sale at trader joe's for 99 cents a block. Yum! I could eat it raw!

It's like the apocalypse* or something...

2007-07-24T22:29:00.001-04:00

the power goes out in the bay area, and almost the entire internet goes down!

* Apparently my reading about religion and cults (today's reading was on branch davidian) has taught me stuff ... like I learned that the reason religious people don't cremate their dead is so that when christ rises from the grave, all those dead people can rise too. If you are cremated, you are out of luck and won't be able to become a zombie. Oh, so that's where the idea of zombies comes from, right? Some fear of being reanimated before christ, and then you'd be bad and want to eat human flesh? I havev so much to learn about how religious beliefs affect things in ways I never knew.

More on my mormon obsession

2007-07-24T19:53:00.000-04:00

I have been reading a book called "Leaving the Saints" which has been really informative in terms of helping me understand mormon stuff. I think part of my interest is that it has seemed to me, in watching Big Love and learning about Mormonism, that religions create a culture. And I think that this is not somethign that really gets explored or taken into account. In psychological research, when we look at cultural differences, we look at race or ethnicity - or maybe geographic region - but we don't explore religion as a culture. We may look at degree of religiosity as a potential factor - but not whether or not someone was raised Mormon, or Catholic, or Jewish as having some effect on personality and temperament.

I don't know enough about religion to really be able to expound upon this at all - and if I were to consider all the things that could differentially affect someone - the list would be endless. In general, psychology isn't so interested in individual differences - it looks for generalities - universal truths (when I try to each a more postmodern perspective on this, students look at me like I'm insane - postmodernism was completely a part of my theatre education, but it really hasn't touched psychology - there is still a belief out there that there is one truth that will generally fit almost everyone).

Oh, I forgot - if anyone is interested, here is a really fascinating article on polygamy in Texas.

The article is actually somewhat decent...

2007-07-24T12:41:00.000-04:00

but a lot of the comments are disgusting.

The chronicle has an article about how girls who are obese are not going to college. Here's the text.

July 23, 2007

Obese Girls Are More Likely to Avoid Going to College, Study Finds

Many obese girls skip college because of mental and behavior problems associated with their weight, a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin has found.

According to a study published in the July issue of the journal Sociology of Education, obese adolescent girls are half as likely to go to college as are non-obese girls, and those who attended a high school where obesity was uncommon were even less likely to enroll.

The study, which tracked 11,000 teenagers, also found that obese teen girls were more likely to consider suicide, have negative self-images, and use alcohol and marijuana than their non-obese peers.

By contrast, the study found little difference between the college-enrollment rates for obese and non-obese boys, leading to the conclusion that body image plays a greater role in girls’ self-concept and education choices.

“Obesity has been identified as a serious public-health issue, but these results indicate the harmful effects extend far beyond physical health,” said Robert Crosnoe, an associate professor of sociology at Austin and author of the study. —Paula Wasley

I hate that last statement - I seriously do not think that is the right conclusion - rather, our attitudes towards weight issues prohibit girls, but not boys, who are overweight, to limit their options, to use substances to cope, and to become depressed. These girls (the ones who don't go to college, not all overweight girls) likely do not see themselves as being as capable as thinner girls, feel anxiety about being in new surroundings, worry they will be targeted for harassment or will be isolated, are likely depressed, etc. They may also not be encouraged by teachers or parents. They may also be less likely to get into colleges - especially if there are interviews. Some studies have shown that obese women - but not obese men - are less likely to get hired.

The comments to the article really bother me. If you consider that George W. Bush has at times been considered obese, or that some athletes are obese by BMI chart standards - you can see that we are not necessarily talking about people who are 500+ pounds - some of them may just be somewhat overweight - but are considered obese due to muscle mass or bone structure. Yet, the assumption is that these women are so busy eating, they can't do anything else - that they are so huge they are a public health threat in and of themselves - that they are disgusting and lazy. With those attitudes - by supposedly educated people within academia - is it any wonder the girls are avoiding college?

Oh, and the abortion comment is beyond disgusting.

I'm pretty sure the bitch who stole my boyfriend is to blame for this.

2007-07-24T00:16:00.000-04:00

But who has a carousing drunken and loud party on a rooftop, on a Monday night, at which a "one way" sign was stolen from the street (that actually pisses me off), and blares "New York, New York" as sung by Frank Sinatra?

I am so totally coveting this haircut...

2007-07-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

it's not even funny. Go here and look.